EGB News

Sharing Is Cool

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

The Tarzan Swing Gets Returned!

Please refer to the June 18th entry in which I referred to the battery-powered Tarzan swing as a miracle problem solver. I take that back. That was not the truth. In fact, I think whomever designed the swing actually hates me and was trying to punish me for all those bad things I did when I was a kid. The more the chair's features were utilized to "relax" EGB the more she roared. At one point, I believe she yelled, "THIS CHAIR IS TERRIBLE!!!!! TURN OFF THE STUPID ELEVATOR MUSIC!! I'D PREFER 5,000 PAPER CUTS!!!! NOW I GOT A DIAPER WEDGIEEEEEE!!" Or something like that.

So who is this swing for? It's for parents that wish to induce colic in their newborns. If this is you, then this swing is right up your alley. That should be the slogan of this product, "Tarzan Swing Chair-Why Be Happy? Induce Colic in Your Newborn." or "Tarzan Swing Chair--Pay Us Money and We Guarantee Your Newborn Will Never Sleep". I spent all weekend trying to think of an enemy that was having a child so that I could send them this chair as a "gift". There was no one that I would wish this swing on.

I've been thinking of ways to exact my revenge upon the swing creators. I thought about going to Taiwan and throwing diapers at the swing-creator's house at 3AM, but I've heard they don't tolerate that kind of business there. And I'm not about to end up in a foreign prison over some chair.

So we just boxed up the swing, which of course doesn't even come close to fitting back into the box because it was originally packed by a rocket scientist. Loaded up the family wagon and took the happy family on our daily pilgrimage to the Babies-R-Milk-Addicts store to see if they'll accept the torture swing in exchange for anything.

They better take this swing back or I'm going to protest at the Democratic National Convention. The Dairy Queen first gracefully gained the cashier's trust . Then went for the kill and returned the swing with flying colors! Now, the lady in the picture on left glaring at me--SHE looks like she may be real trouble.
EGB oblivious to the chaos, but remarkably happier now that the swing has been eradicated. Another mission accomplished by Papa Dangerous and his side-kick, Dairy Queen.

Side note: On the way in the store I saw this lost pacifier in the parking lot. At first, I thought it was funny. Then I realized that it was sad as it couldn't have been the only lost pacifier. Therefore, please join me for a moment of silence in remembrance of all the lost pacifiers that have lost their companions. More importantly, let us hope that the parents of these companions didn't have a trip home from hell because their baby's binky was in a Babies R Us parking lot getting run over by minivans, instead of their child's mouth doing it's work.

0 People have left a comment. Do it. Click here.: