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Wednesday, August 27, 2008

The Best Thing In The Morning

..Is seeing baby EGB wake up. It's like she's been captured by wild monkeys and released to her parents after 15 years of captivity. It's that look of, "Who are you?" mixed with, "Dang, I'm happy to not be with those wild monkeys anymore." Also, a side benefit is that babies don't have the morning breath associated with adults. However, we may be subject to dirty diaper stink which is associated with some adults, but luckily not in my household.

By the way, I realized in taking these pictures that I was inadvertently compiling a list of "You know you're a first time parent if....."

--You've ever been late for work because you decided to set up a professional photo shoot in the nursery at 6AM.

--You have hand sanitizer in every room and in all 4 pant pockets

--You've ever found yourself researching obscure African flesh-eating viruses after noticing that your baby has a rash.

--You think someone stole your baby out of the crib to find that you put her 3 feet over on the changing table.

--You'd fight a small Siberian army to get 6 more minutes of sleep.

--You spend hours staring at your spouse wondering if they somehow have any idea why your child is crying.

--You could be sponsored by a nightlight company.

--You forgot what happened 15 minutes ago.

Here I am in all my morning glory. Freed from those wild monkeys. Wait, Daddy looks like a wild monkey too.

You gonna do my hair before this photo shoot?
Oh no. Daddy better pick me up before I start crying and wake mommy the lion up.
"Who are you and what are do you plan to do to me?
Who dat over there? I don't see too good yet. Is that a pumpkin or my dog?

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

EGB is 11 Weeks Old and Ready To Party

EGB turned 11 weeks on this past Saturday. Time really does fly. Now she's starting to look like a real human. A small one. She's starting to try to roll over which for some reason looks extremely challenging and painful. So I got on the floor and attempted to demonstrate to her how it's done. Not only did I feel funny, I'm sure I looked like I had just eaten 12 bowls of chili and ended up getting tackled by the dog. This week we're going to work on pushups and form for rolling techniques. We gotta be ready for London in '12.

By the way, since sleep seems to be the topic whenever anyone asks about Ellie, she slept 8 hours on Saturday night. The only problem was that we went to bed at 1 so the parents only slept 5 hours. We're trying to work our schedules in EGB's contract, but she's holding out.

What? I'm just doing a little light reading before bed. So what if I can't read. I'm pretending.

So you think by parting this so-called hair of mine makes me look more feminine? How about getting a girl some accessories. I saw this baby in the grocery store with some bling-bling earrings. I want some hoops.

My eyes are taped open. I need someone to remove the tape so I can sleep.
oh I'm ticklish. hee hee.
Little milk gnome conspiring which mushroom to hang out under.
Move over Scarlett O'Hara....I'm gone with the wind! Wait. I broke wind. Rhett, change my diaper!
Ha. Getting my diaper changed is like totally the funniest thing.
All smiles because this book is funny. It's this hilarious tale of a girl in a red cape whose grandma gets eaten by a wolf and then a hunter cuts the wolf open and grandma pops out. (Jeez, I never realized the violence and gore in those old fairy tales)

This is Calvin my royal servant. He's like a furry butler who doesn't understand anything.
Ok, dog you work for me now. Clean in between my toes.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

EGB Is The Gerber Baby

Yup. That happy, healthy face recognized all over the interplanetary galactic system--EGB. We've gotten several comments that the great EGB resembles the Gerber Baby. I guess I see it. Gerber Baby--cute. EGB--cute. Gerber baby--happy. EGB--happy. Gerber Baby--a drawing. EGB--human.

I'm not sure if there is a way to capitalize on this likeness? Maybe we can start our own line of baby food. "Eat EGB because it's taste-eee".....Or maybe we could enter one of those baby picture contest where no one wins and you begin to get truckloads of junkmail about some civil war commemorative plates and stamps with your dog's picture on them. Or maybe we can just go in the grocery store and take Gerber food for free.

"Excuse me, Sir. Where are you going with all that baby food that you didn't pay for?"

"That's my kid on the bottle. She's the Gerber Baby. I'm the Gerber Daddy. We're the Gerber family. That's our food. See, look at the baby in the car seat."

"Wow, that is the Gerber baby! Will she sign this bottle of mashed peas?"

"She can't write yet, but when she can I'll bring her in for some autographs."

"Great! Have a nice day, sir. Sorry to bother you."

The following pictures are from a meeting with Aunt Allie in Denver. She was here for a marketing event and the photographer had some down time to photograph the world's most recognized baby. The EGB. Soon to be on food bottles near you.

See. It's the Gerber baby.
Whoo. Whoo. Ha. Ha. I'm a baby gorilla. Seen Jane Goodall? She's been chasing me with that camera for years.

Work the camera girl. Tyra Banks is going down. Suri you're next.
I know she's our kid...but, she's got to be in the 1200% percentile for cuteness. Those eyes say, "I'm dangerous. I'm gonna slap you with a wallop of cute."
Aunt Allie, Dairy Queen, and cousin to be hammin it up for the camera.
How's my breath?

Thursday, August 21, 2008

By A Council Vote...More Happy Days.

We got together as a family council and decided that based on popularity and sublime cuteness we've got to bring Happy Days a reunion tour. By the way, Ron Howard--you're not foolin anyone under that hat. It looks like a roll-on deodorant under there. Sorry, for the insult. You're a good director and I'm sure I'll be bald someday. But I'm gonna embrace it. That is what we've been teaching EGB. "Embrace your baldness....Who cares if all the old ladies in the grocery store think you're a boy. You're a bald baby girl. Rock it. Be it. Shout it out. I'M A BALD BABY GIRRRRRRRLLLL!!!!!"

I'm a bald baby girl!!!! With socks that look like shoes. Gotcha. You thought I had shoes on. But noooooo they're socks. Shoe-Socks. Shocks.

Dang. I got hit with a binky blowdart in my neck. Who did that? Was it that baby down the street? She's a thug.
Yo folks, this whole blue towel thing isn't really helping the boy-girl confusion in the world. If one more old lady says, "Oh, what a cute boy" I'm gonna bust out some nunchucks and start swingin.
What is this on my head? A Shower cap? I dont even know how to take a shower.
Whatchu lookin at? I will stare at you for a really long time and not blink. It's my party trick.
This is my crib. It's big for a crib, but it's not MTV big. Now you gots to go, I'm nappin.
Ha! Told you she was a milk wizard. Just walked in the room and she was all dressed up ready to do some wizardry acts on the world like Harry Potter before he got big. Then I turned around and she just vaporized my brain. When I turned around again she was back in her onesie. Be afraid. EGB is coming to melt you.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Happy Days Are Here Again

Ain't nothin like the Fonz and his happy gang to happy up EGB. I was getting worried. Thought maybe she was going through a rough patch in her life. Maybe she wasn't sure what pre-pre-school she is going to get into. Maybe she was sad about having no hair and no teeth. Maybe she was sad that she didn't get tickets to see Obama. Or maybe she just needed some warm milk. It's over. Happy Days Are Back. Smiles are in session.
All smiles. Got a fresh diaper. Should be good for 5 minutes or so. Sing that song again.

You know what's soooo funny? That you dressed me in a psychedelic luge outfit and it's the SUMMER olympics, not the winter. Whooo Haaaa.
Still NOOOO hair! Hot damn that's funny.
Droolin. Now that's real funny.
Tummy time training. Getting ready to spit up. Soooo funny.
hee hee.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Mixed Mountain Pics.

This could be one of my favorite pictures of EGB's life. That's the best part about having a 9 week old baby. When statements are made by an adult like, "This is the best pizza I've ever had in my life." It's questionable if they truly remember each time they had pizza and if it's truly the best. We all know there are many of slices that get devoured after 2AM that may be forgotten as a result of cold barley malt beverages.

For instance, EGB DID have the nastiest diaper of her life the other day. Truth. Diaper weighed 17 pounds. Which is crazy because she only weighed 12. Think about that.

This picture is maybe the first time that I've gotten confirmation (which is basically a smile) that my daughter likes me. No joke. For the past 8 weeks, I knew she needed me (insert wife here). More importantly, she needed the Dairy Queen for survival. But in this picture I truly get the sense that she digs me. She fits perfectly in the bend of my arm and is smiling in my presence. That is a true gift. Thanks Lil' Tender've made my life. Plus the mountain backdrop makes for good scenery.

Uhhhh. Straight Flexin'. Going for the Gold in weightlifting. I told you she's solid muscle.
Goofy mom. Goofy kid. Doing goofy things.
Ahh...I'm gonna soak up the mountain air. Wait that ain't mountain air that's diaper cream. Where's my butler to change me?
The family in front of a poster of a lake with a sailboat on it.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

EGB Gone Wild

We took the little milk monster for her first real hike to celebrate her 9th week birthday. Wow, 9 weeks and 6 pounds later....EGB has now almost doubled her birth weight. If I doubled my weight in 9 weeks I would probably try to run through a wall like, "KOOL AID!!!!!!", but EGB is stoked to be a nice plump baby in the 80th percentile of all other babies her age. I guess that's like a Silver Medal in newborn Olympics. Which might get her a minor cereal box cover. Not Wheaties or anything, but maybe some off-brand Coco Bumpers or something.

Get EGB strapped into the front-pack and ready to stare at mommy for a while.

Allright, everyone hold hands. If any mountain lions charge us flash your teeth. Oh wait, you don't have any teeth. Just camel-squirt some milk in the eyes. I've been reading a lot of Thoreau lately and I've been wondering if you will teach me how to write so I can put together a manifesto on conservation techniques for 9 week olds.

Shhhh. I broke out of the front-pack and now I'm hiding in some flowers. Dang, I'm rollin over! I don't know how to roll baaaaack! My hat is falling off! My sweats are riding up my diaper!!!!
I'm getting sleepy. They haven't found me yet. I wonder if these flowers have milk in 'em? Is there a Dairy Queen out here?
They found me! I ain't leavin! I'm gonna grip these flowers.
Mommy told me not to pick the flowers, but I wanted to give them to her. I better read up on my backcountry ethics books. Leave no trace....unless you're 9 weeks old and you've got a dirty diaper--anything goes when you're this cute.
Naptime in the woods. Wake me up before the bears get here.........sweet dreams lil' baby wonderful.