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Thursday, January 22, 2009

Boogie Down Baby

This past weekend we took EGB aka the wild child to meet up with approximately 5,000 other mini savages to beat on plastic objects and "musical instruments". Notice the quotations as these "instruments" were really plastic germ portals masked as instruments that were at numerous times used as weapons against humanity. This event was called Baby Boogie, which was located in a bohemian style (translation: tofu pizza with soy cheese and beers with the density of cement--understand?) pizzeria pub.

The concept was brilliant--for 5 hours every Sunday, they transform a civil pizzeria into a lawless haven for over stimulated, under sized, crazed up youngsters. The intention and illusion is that the drool monsters will occupy themselves with musical instruments and dance while the guardians eat gourmet pizza, sip wine, and discuss the topics of the day. The reality is that planets and stars collide in a volatile manner which disrupts any sense of tranquility and causes kids to run into tables and violently attack inanimate objects. The mob mentality takes over and your child will be possessed by demons for 5 hours.

But somehow in all the chaos, there was peace. I think the peace is rooted in the communal struggle that everyone in that pizzeria endured. There was no uneasy feeling that any one child was out of control or concern that there was a disruption of a civil dining environment at the expense of a loose child whose intention was to beat on a keyboard for 20 minutes straight while screaming, "Pizzzaaaaaaah!!!!" over and over and over. (Side note--there is only one lesson that needs to be taught in kid product development business class. Lesson #1- kids love repetition...a lot.) I suppose it's like being in the light and variable winds in the eye of a hurricane. Finding peace in chaos has been a recurring theme of parenthood. EGB has taught me more than I anticipated. She's the best teacher I've ever had. And, by the way, EGB was the best behaved out of all the 5,000 dirty miscreants.

Needless to say that no adult conversation was ever completed. Nor was a beer completely consumed. I put down my first beer and it disappeared. I noticed a kid who looked a bit wobbly.....maybe he drank it. Then again most kids are wobbly.

Rule #1 at Baby Boogie--Find an instrument to boogie with.  Preferably one that is not being used, but if it is, say please and yank it out of child's hands.
Rule #2--Place instrument in mouth to make sure it tastes nasty like all other instruments.
Rule #3--Play a Steely Dan song.  Old people love that.
This Dairy Queen smile really says, "I'm about to go postal with some pizza.  I hear a lot of noises in my head.  They're telling me to throw chairs."Hey, I found Sunni and Mia...they're my friends.  We know each other from math class.

I'm heading for the hills...these kids are wacko.
It's bright.  I need my shades before I go on stage!
This is Sarah.  She's a groupie.  Some days it's hard being a rock star, but my groupies always take care of me.
Papa has the crazy eye.  Must have been that stinky boy who kicked his shin.  I'll fight him for you Papa.
What's this?  I'm a drummer!  And I told you I need bottled milk in my room!  Where's my agent?
There she is.  Agent Mamma Queen......Showing me how to use this set of keys.

Dang...the concert wore me out.  Don't come knockin'.  I'm out for the count!

Monday, January 19, 2009

7 1/2 Months Of Baby Superstardom

EGB's crawl is on its way to becoming a swagger. She can put together a 4-step crawl in relatively quick succession before either plopping on her face or sitting up. It seems to tire her out or maybe she's emulating Calvin and his doggie panting.

EGB is 7 and 1/2 months into the world and still has 2 teeth, a mostly bald head, 80% of body weight distributed in her cheeks, and mastered the Darth Vader battle cry, "Ahhhhhhhhh"...

She's the best. I love her more than Timmy loved Lassie. More than Archie loved hamburgers. More than Batman loved Robin (not sure what was REALLY going on there). More than chocolate loves chips. More than Roger Rabbit loved Jessica. More than Rick loved Jessie's girl. Got it? She's the Ace. Sorry Calvin--You're the Ace minus .01%.

Thanks EGB for coming into our the time you can read, you'll probably be mad at me for posting your goofy images for the world to see. And you know what I'll say? "Oops."

I figure if I put on this lamb suit they'll never see me leave. I'm crawling to the Inauguration.....Which way is East?
Dang it. I only made it to the middle of the living room.
Maybe I'll just get the remote and watch it on the boob tube. Boob!?!? Did someone say boob? Miiiiiilllllllk!!!!!!!
Baahhaaa (insert sheep sound here). Has anyone seen my Daaahaaahaad!
I've got the keys to the kingdom. Ha ha ha. I'm gonna lock you up, cast spells on your children, and make them send their toys to me. Woo Ha ha.
Working it out on the couch. Happy days are back.
I can't seee youuuu.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Hold Me Closer Tiny Dancer.

Da Da Dahhhh! Ellie is now a dancer. Albeit a uncoordinated-unable-to-stand-bald-and-mostly-toothless dancer. But she's my star. My Tiny Dancer.

I don't know Elton John, but I do know this--he knows his spectacles, can spend money, and wrote the greatest song ever about "Tony Danza".

"Blue jean baby, L.A. lady, seamstress for the band. Pretty eyed, pirate smile, you'll marry a music man Ballerina, you must have seen her dancing in the sand And now she's in me, always with me, tiny dancer (TONY DANZA) in my hand"

In reality EGB is the original Tiny Dancer......and always with me.

Tap, Tap, Tap.....You aint got nothing on me Savion Glover.

Thanks Aunt Rebecca, Uncle Dave, and Cuz Isaac for my new leggings. Prior to this, my legs were always legs are on fire.
It took me 3 months but I finally got that damn parrot. I can't be stopped. I'm EGB. I'm the Tiny Dancer.
Me and Don the longer goes by Rick. He's Don Carlos the mighty lion who protects me from stanky Calvin and the neighbor who keeps stealing my diapers.
Check out my eating helmet. This way when I eat, I can't get a head injury.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Crawling Update

I think it was about 2 months ago that I reported that EGB was on the verge of crawling. Due to some old war injuries, EGB took a bit longer than expected to get the crawling thing down. I'd say that now she's got the mobile skills of a drunk puppy.

At first, it appeared that all she wanted to do was crawl to a table or couch and pull herself up AKA skip crawling and go straight to walking. Now it appears she's more interested in pulling herself up and taking a bite out of the table or couch. Which leads me to believe that she has no interest in walking, but that maybe we need to feed her wood and couch cushions instead of laboring over concocting steamed peas and blueberry pear mixtures.

EGB still emulates her dog-relative Calvin and seems to have fostered a healthy sense of competition with him. The other day I overheard a conversation between the two of them:

"Ahhhh! Dah duh bah buh" (Yo, stinky fur biscuit! Your breath smells like New Jersey), said EGB.

"Woof woof haaaa" (Hey you little bald meat cake! Your diapers smell like rotten broccoli and molded cheese. You think you're all special with mom and dad. Ever since you came around here, I got fat, I get yelled at, and nobody has pet me since 2008.), said Calvin.

"Pthhhhhh! Arraah. Da Da." (My bad. I don't speak dumb dog. Whatchu say fat dog cake?! ), said EGB.

"Wooooooooof!!!" (You gonna play like that? I'm gonna gnaw on your ear!"), said Calvin

"Waaaah Whata Tang!" (You do that and I'll put your tail in the microwave and sentence you to the basement.), said EGB.

"Nwoof Nwoof" (Nooo not the basement!! Ok, I'm sorry. I didn't mean what I said about your diaper. They actually smell kinda good. Friends?", said Calvin.

"Da ma ta da da" (Ok, let's hug it out dog. I'll knock over the garbage and you shred it.), said EGB.

That's when I walked in to unfoil their plot to destroy the kitchen. It's good to see that EGB has such strong diplomatic skills. Maybe she'll be the next Secretary of State.

I'd come over to where you are, but it's like 10 feet away.

Ahhhhh. I love the taste of varnish in the morning.

Whats up?
No, I'm not thirsty. I just drool. A lot. Like a camel.
Goodnight baby wonderful(s). They're both wonderful.

Monday, January 5, 2009

The Tale of The Red Suit

EGB got a velour suit for a present.

2009 is to the point. Velour suits are cool. EGB is cool. A match made in heaven.

Hi, I'm EGB and this is the tale of my new suit.

I can sit on my knees in my new suit if I want to.
Hellllp--This new suit is slippery.
Whew...I was saved by my psychadelic lion friend, Rick.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Christmas Sweaters and Training Cups

Thinking I'd get to the point today with it being 2009 and all. This is they year of getting to the point. No time to waste!!

This entry will be about the new Christmas sweater....which is basically Bill Cosby ....Meets ....umm....The female Richard Simmons...
It's the EGB in a Christmas sweater from Grandma!

No that's not a turtleneck...It's my double chin. I may have no hair, but chins?---I got extra.
Training cup. For babies in training. It's an olympic event.
I'm holding my cup! Gotta figure out how to get the liquid gold out of it.