EGB....Will Drink All Your Milk

Bring on the weekend. I hope it finds you in an abandoned school with extra toys and free reign of the playground.

Don't know why but the video didn't attach to the last post. If you'd like to see the legendary Ellie Stringbean, go directly to the blog.

We are working backwards here. Going forward in real time.....backwards in blogtime. Think of it this way--you're walking in a forest. You come across a talking cow eating a hamburger. Cows don't live in the forest. Cows don't talk. I don't think cows like hamburgers--that's a bit sordid. Get it? No? Me neither. It's like a David Lynch movie in your brain. Welcome to my life.

That's not so bad. Snow is allright.
Dang. That's a lot of snow. Is that Stacey walking down the street? What's up girl! How'd you get out? Call me.

Ok, so now we got the snow exhibit completed and were successful in no major losses or damages. The Commissioner aka Dairy Momma will be pleased. What's next to do? Costumes, of course. Halloween is just days away and no costume in sight. Up first......

Ellie G. That got nixed early.

Ellie Urkel? This is dumb.

The resemblance is there......for sure. We got a real rocker on our hands. EGB will be the champion of the little man in Golden.

Happy Friday!

May the sun shine on you. And may you find your shades and put them on your head properly.


Hi.

These glasses make me walk funny.
This is gangsta EGB. I had this Du-rag custom made to fit my semi-bald dome. It scares the diapers off my classmates. No one messes with me in the sandbox.
Yo where my peeps at.

Here's a wild Friday tale for those that love a good mystery. Please stay tuned for this edition of Master-Diaper Theater, "Who Stole The Damn Wipes?".

It was a hot summer day. The type of sweltering day that a baby takes her diaper off and puts it on her head to suck up the copious amounts of milk-sweat. A day to cruise in the stroller with the top down. Most importantly, a perfect day for cracking a mystery.

About 10:00 came around and time for the dirty diaper change-up. Papa D, entered the sweaty chamber of diaper stank to do the duty (doodie). Then the diaper came off and everyone in the neighborhood collectively said, "What's that smell? Mama been cookin' again?". Papa D reached over for the wipes as he had done 600,000,000 times before, but this time it was different.

"Knock!" was the sound of Papa D's outstretched hand hitting the wooden tray on the changing table where a box of wipes has always been. He walks over to the cabinet to where there is an infinite supply of diapers and wipes (that are always replenished by the diaper/wipe fairy aka Dairy Queen--a public thank you). To no avail.

"Ohhhhh Noooooooo!!!!!! Holy liquid smokes! Someone came into the house stole all the wipes and put our name on the diaper/wipe fairy's do-not-deliver list. This is a travesty. An outrage. A blight on humankind. What's a Papa to do now?!?!?"

Then out of nowhere, dirty-bottomed EGB vaporized into the changing table and a very similar looking detective flew in through air duct. "Have no fear! Detective EGB is here!" squealed the 20" detective. Papa D had to admit he was relieved but at the same time concerned with what the Dairy Queen would say when she came home to the original EGB vaporized and possibly transformed into the worlds shortest detective. He had a hunch that after the initial shock wore off, the Dairy Queen would be happy at the EGB's chosen profession at such a young age.

Anyway.

"We will capture the wipe caper and banish him to a life of diaper duty," said Detective EGB.

"All right. Whatever you say. You're the detective. Let's roll......." said Papa D.

"Ok, but first I must get my inspector glasses and invisibility cloak."

"You have an invisibility cloak?"

"Yes."

"Cool. Can I borrow it next time the Dairy Queen is looking for me to change EGB's diaper during a football game?"

"I'm telling her you said that."

"Please don't. I was kidding."

"Ok. I got your back Papa D."

High fives all around.......next.

Detective EGB reporting for duty. These glasses make my forehead look small. That's ok because unlike other humans I have most of my brain in my cheeks. There have been reports in the neighborhood of the wipe caper looking like a crazed piano playing wolfman. We called in the experts to recreate what the wipe caper looks like.....here he is. He's kinda cute.
Next we go to the neighbor, Mrs. Busybody, to ask what she saw. Everyone knows that witnesses are key to cracking the case. Mrs. Busybody said she didn't see any wild haired wolfman around our house, but that she saw that Ron, a few houses down had fried chicken for dinner and a new girlfriend. You can always count on Mrs. Busybody for some good info, but this time she was no help in cracking the case. However, she sure has some crazy hair and like the wolfman, is also kinda cute.
Next, we went to park to see if we could track down any other witnesses. We came across this blond bombshell. She refused to give us her name, but said that she saw a wolfie looking dude in our basement. We were so excited about the tip that we forgot to ask her what she was doing in our basement.......I guess somethings are better left unknown.

We ran down to the basement and sure enough....the wolfman was on the couch.

Gotcha! You cold-blooded wipe caper! Do you know the kind of unsanitary conditions you caused by capering the wipes?!?! You are in soooo much trouble--even though you also are kinda cute.

And that was how the wiper caper case was cracked. And--POOF. EGB un-vaporized herself and turned up on the changing table all wiped up and clean. Phew. That was a close one. If anyone sees the Great Detective EGB be sure to thank him....I never got the chance to.

Don't mess with us or you'll get spanked.

Announcement. It's the weekend.

The EGB is now 15 1/2 months. Which is also 67 weeks or 11,400 hours, or 684,000 minutes, or 41,040,000 seconds. Basically not much time has passed, but life just isn't the same. I remember when Fridays used to mean maybe a nap, leisurely dinner, happy hour.......now it's diapers, giggles, cutting grapes into small pieces, reading pop-up books--wouldn't change it for the world. Naps are overrated--unless you're EGB, they're necessary to rejuvenate the life source needed to fight the dog who runs her over.

Happy weekend and may you take a shower and smell nice.

This hiking thing is awesome because you carry me around like a princess and show me off to the rocks. I must be special.
Apple picking in the front yard is interesting. I didn't know apples grow in the grass. I ate an apple whole once. It didn't go down so well so I shot it out of my mouth like a blowdart and took out the neighbor's cat.
Gotta reach for the best apples. What's apple picking without a little danger. Oops. I'm showing waaaayyy too much diaper for a family blog. I'm racy like that.
In school Little House on the Prairie style. Teacher!? That kid behind me stanks. Check his diaper for a dead animal.Huh?
Me at my 1st birthday party. I hated that tu-tu.Today after 3 months of counseling, I've learned to love that tu-tu. It was a long road but now me and my tu-tu are tight.
Dancing in the kitchen is sweet until I hit the oven, turn on the burner and scorch my afro. That's when the fun stops.

So it was 3 years ago to the day that we stood under the stars of Estes Park and proclaimed our undying, timeless, everlasting love for each other. The moon and the mountains moved under our feet, trembling in awe of the power of our love. Aliens were slated to destroy our universe but instead were brought to their scrawny knees and found themselves frolicking in the celestial sands by the forces our loving aura. Even the most hardened criminals in prison were holding hands and embracing each other (admittedly they may do that anyway, but I wouldn't know anything about doing hard time....soft time? Maybe.) African nations and their citizens' whose great-great-great-great-great-great grandparents didn't get along....still didn't get along.

Oh well, but for a split second of "I do" there was peace in our universe. I vividly remember pulling out my scrap paper with my vows scribbled all over and being taken down by the invisible forces of emotion. It doesn't get more honest than that. I am truly eternally grateful for the rock of support provided by my wife, family, and friends. Thanks to all that came to the celebration both in person and spirit. Even if you got snowed on, rained on, sun-ed on, loved on--we came to do work. That was one kick-ass party.

By the way it is a point of contention in our household about the anniversary tally. The Dairy Queen believes that the anniversary should encompass the 400 years that we dated prior to the "I do". Essentially it is her belief that we should get "credit" for all the hard time that we did together. As if there is some prize bank to cash in your anniversary chips at the end of the road. While that's a noble thought, it's a timeless adventure for us all. It's all a fart in the wind. Yes, it happens....but all too quickly it will be gone. So to Jay and to the rest of you--Happy Anniversary and may we celebrate for eternity.
"Hey baby. What's for dinner?"
Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad. I'm glad you met each other and found me at the grocery store! Quit that kissin' and feed me.
What's a blog post without almost getting slayed by a cute pic of The EGB?
Whatyu say Dad? NO! I will not tell Mom that you like her-like her. That's gross.

Yup. It's Friday once again. EGB loves this day because it means the weekend. She gets to leave the stress of the long, hard workweek behind and just relax with the family. It's tough being 15 months. People have all these crazy expectations. "Say this"...."Say that"..."No"..."Do this"....She gets tired of all the orders and takes the weekend to do a few things for herself. This weekend is going something like this:

First, put on the magic slippers.

Then break into the liquor cabinet for the top shelf milk.

Then do some light errands like watering the flowers and maybe some scrapbooking.

Then get some fresh air and take the family for a hike.

Climb a mountain or two.
Yes! The weekends are always a success. Tipsy on milk........I can't wait until next Friday to do it all over again.

Got some videos. Get out the popcorn. EGB has gone crazy in the ocean....

This is crazy. This is crazy. This is crazy. This is fun?

Nothing like a bunch of sandy cheese after a swim.

Here's my belly. It takes a lot of hard work to maintain this figure.

Next, gotta always get my hair did. Brushing it with my Gucci purse.

Good Friday!

I hope you find a way to stay in your PJs all weekend. Not only are they comfortable, but you can wear them anywhere--including a Pow-Wow. Pow! Pow! Wow! Yes, don't be afraid to take your PJs to the street. I heard it's really big in Japan and the Japanese tend to be way advanced.....at least that's what I heard from my friends at the park.
Hot dog! I'm in the PJs. Let's party.My parents say you don't learn anything from watching TV. They're wrong. This is my new signature dance move I learned on "So You Think You Can Dance". Oh, I can dance alright. DJ! Hit the beats!
Out and about. Still in the PJs. Letting it all hang out.
Me and Mama and the PJs.
Fire.
Good thing I have my flame-retardant PJs on. Those cheap ones from The Dollar Store would be torched right now.
Me and Poppa looking at people without PJs on. They look funny.

Now naptime and conveniently I'm still in my PJs. On your mark, get set, nap.

In the spirit of keeping up with our non-stop onslaught of EGB pics and happenings.....we're coming at ya with the rest of the 4th of July Wyoming pics. This edition will highlight the cousins' rendezvous, Grandpa's holding hold, and mountaintop escapades.

"Will fart for graham crackers."
Spinnin in my dress. Twirl a girl!
We're heading to the mountaintop "bar". See that little spot in the middle of the picture? That's the destination bar. It's "the smallest bar with on top of a mountain in the middle of Wyoming with no bar".

Cousin Logan Lane with Grandpa at the bar. Make me an iced formula shake, Grandpa!Does this hat make my cheeks look smaller?
Aunt Allie and cuz Logan all smiles. Smiles make me happy too.
This is our feeble attempt to take a group photo. Yes, the group is there, but Grandpa is yelling at the dogs, Logan is taking off her socks, Mama is looking at the sunset, I'm pooping, and Papa D is looking right at the camera like a good boy.
Grandpa with his holding chokehold on cuz Logan. Logan finds it funny. I don't play like that. If Grandpa tries that on me, I'm gonna pee in his coffee. I'm just sayin'.

Here's my pretty lil cuz in a car seat at least 20 miles away from the nearest car. But if a car were to pull up and she needed to get in right away she'd be ready. She must be a Girl Scout or something....always prepared and pockets full of cookies.
Ok, Logan. I'm gonna hit the buckle and you make a run for it. Don't turn around just run. I'll meet you at the bottom by the milk cooler. We'll hide until we need our diapers changed. Then we'll scream.
Me and Dairy Mama Queen. We're happy because we both have dry diapers.

Hey get your paws off of my Os!
Feel my hair, girl. Oh, it's natural. I just use fruit and berries.
Wait! Don't cry. You can get this beautiful hair for just $19.99. I'll email you the website.
"Um. Toto? I don't think we're in Kansas anymore." says EGB.
"No kiddin' cuz. I think we're in a shower." says Logan.
"I've never taken a shower before. I'm glad to share it with you. Pass the soap." says EGB.
"I think I just ate it." says Logan
"Ok. You'll fart bubbles now." says EGB
"Cool." says Logan

This morning I woke up to a shrieking, "Whaaaaaat?"

So I go running to source of the scream at the computer. It's EGB, who had broken out of her cage, logged on the the Internet, and realized that there has only been one blog entry in the month of July. A short one, at that. So I say to her, "Hey, you little 6-toothed (a new development) baboon. What are you doing out of your cage and more importantly, if you know how to use the Internet, why don't you have a job?"

EGB, being smarter than us mortals, said, "First of all, I'm out of my cage because I built a helicopter out of diapers in my sleep. Secondly, I don't have a job, because you haven't updated the blog which ultimately is supposed to be used to attract the attention of agents that can strategically place me with products that will sell millions."

"Oh." I shrugged and left EGB to her surfing the web for cow pictures. Cows are like naked milk pictures. I'm thinking about blocking those sites.

So yes, EGB is correct. There has been some neglect in the blogosphere. Which truly is unfair to those of you who don't get to see the daily delights of EGB. Quite frankly, it's busy around here. Busy doing what, you ask? We're busy living our lives so that we have material for the blog. That's really what we're living for. The blog. If there was no blog, we'd be living in a cavernous basement in utter darkness awaiting EGB's first day of college. But because there is a blog....we have an obligation to leave the house and live. In the words of Hemingway, "Go to Key West. Drink beer. Shoot guns"

Wait...wrong quote. Actually, he said, "In order to write about life, first you must live." True.

We've been busy celebrating EGB's bipedal existence (in the way a drunken sailor is bipedal--it's negotiable). About 3 weeks ago she made the full transition from part-time walker to full-time. Evolution before our very eyes. Still not much hair, but a congregation of curls have gathered on the back of her head. There are some new words, "happy, wizard, shoe, please, thank you." (Hmmm. Happy Wizard Shoe? Could be onto something...)

We're going to try to play catch up and get you the past few months over the next few weeks. We'll start with our trip to Wyoming for the 4th of July.....

The entrance to Shady Lane Ranch.....Look really hard and you'll see EGB in the branches of the 7th tree on the right. See her. No? That's because she's not there.
Gone swimmin. This attire is whack. I've got a Wonder Woman bikini on with a floral safari hat and over sized life jacket? Wonder Woman doesn't need life jackets. I'm like the opposite of Wonder Woman.....introducing the first episode of da, da, daaaaa--Normal Girl!
That's better. Here is Normal Girl doing something very normal for a 13 month old--being assisted by her mother in a swimming pool. Stay tuned for the next episode of Normal Girl as she eats blueberries for a snack.
Hola. I'm headed to Mexico where the milk is warmer.
Papa Dangerous and his artistic photo. He's not really wearing all black and 15 feet tall. That's his shadow which is much stronger than the real Papa.

Happy Friiiidaaaay! May your weekend be sweet like ice cream and all over your face.

I realize that the entries have gotten shorter, but so have the naptimes. So please bear with us as we all grow older. There are a lot of events to share with you....hang tight.

For those of you concerned that the EGB didn't have a good time at her birthday based on the preceding post that included 3 crying pictures...here ya go. EGB is the happiest baby this side of the Mississippi. Fact. I heard there was an almost happier baby in Kansas, but then she realized she was in Kansas.

East of the Mississippi? I don't know, but I'm sure there's a lot of competition with all that BBQ sauce.....babies love that BBQ.

I'm one. Shouldn't I be able to go out with my friends at night now? I mean look--I can stand up unassisted.

This is my bear, Rivers. That was almost my name......but RGB doesn't have the same ring as EGB. So I'm Ellie and this is my ferocious bear. This is my friend Liam. He got cold so I let him borrow my jacket. Hee hee.

Opening my presents was awesome. Yes, a gallon of milk!!!

This is a tutu I got. I'm gonna rock it to da club tonight.

Happy Birthday lil' sweet thang! You are loved from universe to universe....even aliens love you.

First birthday party was a success. No kids barfed or obtained any deep flesh wounds. As a parent that's all I can hope for.

We secured our position in a Golden park several hours prior to the party while EGB primped and got her beauty rest. This was actually a funny scene as I went to set up the park and make sure no one took the spot 4 hours before the party. It was a sad looking birthday party for all the passersby who saw just me and a handful of limp balloons for hours. Little did they know that I was defending prime territory for my family and friends to par-tay.

It was amazing. We had burgers, dogs, cakes, beans, pinatas, candy, pop, beer.....high-end party going on. Only the best for the EGB. I heard that some pirates were going to sabotage the party and steal all the gifts, but they couldn't get through the paparazzi. Being a star does have it's benefits.

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to. This birthday hat makes me want to fight cuddly zoo animals.

Ummmm....are you going to take this hat off me? I'm not really that into it.


Ahhh. That's better. Here's me and my pops waiting to get the party started. I brought my bear to show all the other kids that I tame bears.

Me and Uncle Mike talking politics.

Hey. Is anyone coming to my party?!? I sent out the evite like 3 months ago....hurry up.

Here are my friends Ariya and Ravi....they're older. They can walk and hold utensils. I want to be like them when I grow up.

Hangin with my girls.

Cake. That's what I'm talking about. I've never had it. I saw on TV once and asked my captors (parents) what it was about. They said it's for parties and tastes like milk in heaven. I'm now in milky heaven.

Do I put this cake thing in my mouth or on my face?

On my face? I think it's better in my mouth. or both.

Ohhh noooo. Not the hat again. I told you I'm not down with it. Child services!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is my friend Jayden. She's old, but gets me. She's nice and puts me to bed from time to time which is a nice change from my parents. They have this whole routine thing. I'm not that into it.

Gnawin on plastic with the D. Queen.
I got more birfday pics to send to you all.....hang tight.

It's time to celebrate the 100th blog entry for the EGB blog. We've yet to win any awards, but we'll write 1,000 more until we get some recognition around here. If there is a blog of the year award, we deserve it just for the EGB cuteness alone. Then if you throw in her magical eyes that can tame lions--forget about it.....she can bring peace in the Middle East if Hillary Clinton would just take her along. I'm just sayin'.

In doing the math--100 blog entries in 365 days=a lot. So there. We've done a lot of blogging and have a lot of memories to look back on. We'll be doing a year retrospective next week....stay tuned.

The 100th entry is quite fitting as EGB comes up on her 1st birthday this Sunday the 31st. We are having a blowout in a park in Colorado that you're all invited to. That is if you like hamburgers, whiskey, swingsets, cake, giants, and formula. Since this is 90% of you--you'd have a good time. But, wow, 1 year....a lot can happen. We've all grown and will continue to grow. Thanks for sharing a little bit of you with a little bit of us.

There is a glut of material that's been stockpiled in the ultra-secure data storage center, aka the basement, that needs to be shared with you all, but for now we'll just start with our recent visit to the creek.

To 100 more....cheers.

There are 7,439 pictures of me on the Internet and I'm still not a star. That's ludicrous. I'm getting a new agent. Papa, you're fired!

I hate grass. It hurts my sensitive skin. I've got a whole blog entry coming up about my dislike of the green spears. Please hold me.

Grass doesn't even taste good. I'll karate chop it. Hi-ya. Die grass.
Silly bears. Why you kisssin' each other? Kiss me. I'm kisssable.
Arrr. I'm a Pioneer on the frontier. Call me Ellie Crockett. Where's the gold?

It's Friiiiidayyyy!

Look it's Big Red Riding Hood and The Little Bad Wolf.....There's more to the story, as there always is.

To be continued.........