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Friday, September 24, 2010

Language, Bagels, Divas, and Jams

EGB: I throwed up

Me: Huh! What!?? Where did you throw up?

EGB: My hair.

Me: Huh?

EGB:  My hair throwed up in my ear.

Me:  Really?

EGB: Yip.  (translation=Yup).

Me: Oh.  That's weird.

EGB: Yip.

And then she gazed out the car window, proud of her language accomplishment.  Words go together like tossed salad these days.  As if she has this database of words that some neurological selector picks out at random.  Like the brain just says, "Oooooh.  You haven't said the word "poopie" or ""tree" in a while so let's say them now."  Poopie tree.

I'm guessing that's how the process works.  The brain makes decisions regardless of whether it makes sense or not.  That explains a lot about humanity.

EGB has been working on her music these days.  She has this steady rotation of hits that usually ends up in a two song set before she retires to the backstage where she drinks only organic bottled milk from happy cows that have a view of the ocean.  There is always a dozen bagels back there and a bucket of cream cheese.  Some times she demands toast. The "Twinkle Twinkle", "Itsy Bitsy", "ABCs", "Row Row", and parts of some others are pretty much her set list.  Over and over.  (By the way, has no one been creative enough to come up with some new hits over the past 500 years?  I mean, a new song to be added to the cannon, sprinkled in from time to time wouldn't be too much to ask for, right?  I think whole twinkling little star thing isn't a half bad idea, but the star just doesn't twinkle anymore.  It's old as hell.)

Back to bagels and divas.  This is relatively a  true depiction of the situation as every meal these days is pretty much a demand for a bagel and milk.  You know that switch in your brain that tells you when you are full?  That switch for EGB gets turned off if there are bagels within her 3 mile bagel-radar......Bagel-Dar.  She's going to work on developing a Bageldar to mass produce for 2 year old bagel addicts around the world.  She's already got the slogan down, "Get your Bageldarrrrrr, so you know where the bagels arrrrrrre." Bagel makers around the world rejoice in her presence.  However, those hosting the Sunday brunch bagel spread at the Schwartz's house get a bit nervous about their supply when the rabid EGB walks in with foam on her lips.

Anyway, EBG is straight up diva.  Forget what you heard about J-Lo's new contract on American Idol. (By the way--damn, she and that show just wont go away.  And Steven Tyler? Really? Dude, straight jumped the shark on that one. I'm not watching.)  The Diva lives here amongst us people.  No joke.  She demands things, but once you hear the sweet siren song emanating from her bagel infested teeth your troubles will flow far away.

Watch this video.....from July.  July? I know, still catching up.  Always.  True story--I forgot our wedding anniversary last week.  Before you start thinking of the hell fury that must have rained on my world as a result, there is good news.  She forgot too.  I guess we're too busy loving each other every second of the day and night to notice these seemingly transparent occasions.  (Good save, huh?)  And mom, thanks for reminding me.  I guess I should open your emails more timely.

To the video.  Pay special attention to the powerful introduction.  EGB demands attention.

I guess she's pretty good and worth her contract.  Now be quiet.

Gotta get your quick fix EGB pic too.

I believe that's some bagel stuff in the teeth.  Or maybe gold.  Happy Friday.

Friday, September 17, 2010

It's Darker

In the morning and at night.  Not sure how I feel about it all.  The long days are dwindling.  EGB is noticing it in her 2 year old mind.

"It's a little dark daddy?  All the way dark?  Just a little?"

As you can see EGB is going through a big quantitative phase in her life.  She's extra interested in the variables that make things bigger, smaller, more, less, younger, older, etc.

The big default answer that seems to be working (for now) is "when you're older".  She had a nuclear meltdown the other day when she ran out of school and directly into the HR office of the university.  First of all, I have no idea how she knew where she was going, but she ran directly in and interrupted some sort of interview and dove into a bowl of Dum-Dum lollipops.  You know the ones they give out for free at the bank that no matter how hard you try you still end up eating some of the paper stick?  That kind.  Being the responsible parent that I am I grabbed the sugar hound out of the lollipop bowl and said no to her undying plea for a lollipop.  She's never had a lollipop....that I know of,  but she used her Spiderman sense and knew it was worth rolling around on the floor blasting tears and screams.  The HR lady thought it was cute.

I told EGB when she's older she can have one.  It didn't work.  She writhed, wormed, bawled, you name it.  Must suck to be a kid sometimes.

Come to think of it, as an adult "when you're older" isn't something you usually want to hear either.

"Ooooh when can I wear those Depends diapers?"

"When you're older"


"When you're older"

Sometimes getting older means a lollipop.  Other times it means dentures.  Life is weird like that.

Happy Friday.  I hope you get everything you want when you get older too.

Here have a pine cone.

Did Somebody Lose Their Grandma?

We just found one in our kitchen and want to return her to her rightful place.  Also, there was a lifeless bear in front of her that she just fought off if that helps give any clues.

Please help.  It pains EGB to see lost Grandmas.  They belong somewhere spoiling little kids.

Edit: Update--September 17th @ 10:08AM.  Lost Grandma last seen at liquor store buying a bottle of vodka and Capri 100 cigarettes.....and suprisingly a gallon of chocolate milk. 

Friday, September 10, 2010

It's September?

Really?  That means 2010 is slipping away into the darkness....

It was just yesterday that summer was beginning and all these plans were being made to paint the house, finish the tile in the basement (some of you know the long history of this project), camp in the mountains, plant trees, bbq meat, hit some trails, teach EGB some foreign languages, do some reading, some writing, and pass gas.  Well, the paint is still in the basement, bbq is in my teeth, EGB can count to 10 in 40 languages, and my shoes are dirty.   We did some things right.

Before EGB was born there was a slew of projects to be done prior to her arrival.  I remember the thoughts of impending doom that I anticipated would bring my life to a grinding halt and force me into a drooling basement dweller.  That thankfully didn't happen and I became a drooling upstairs dweller instead.  I don't even know what that means, but I hung out upstairs with a drooling fuzz monkey aka EGB for most of the next two years.  One of the pre and post EGB projects became--me.  The Dairy Queen in all of her infinite wisdom "requested" (polite husband speak for do-it-now or I'm going to make your ears bleed with my eyes) that I see a doctor and get onced over.  I admit I'm historically poor at annual physical thing.  Getting better post EGB, but my track record wasn't so hot.  Anyway, the short recap of the visit was I was chunky.  According to some antiquated ratio of weight to height=BMI I fit into the big boy category.  Now I knew I wasn't heading to a motorized scooter anytime soon, but the doctor said get moving.

What can I say? I like to eat.  It used to be some sort of subliminal mental game every I got ready to chow.  Like a baseball batter stepping up to the plate.  Going for a home run, every time.  Buffet 3 times a day.  Let's party.  Double cheeseburgers for breakfast? No rules.  Now this is fine if you're 16 and run around and all that, but for the sedentary--not so healthy.

So I changed.  Not in the vein of vanity, but to feel armed and ready to battle.  You never know what you're going to encounter with a kid.  Who knows, but I knew I wanted to be able to chase, run, jump, with whatever came next.

So I ran on hiking trails.

I liked it.  I like it.

I'm not going to go into it much more than that because this is a family blog dammit, not some running spiritual mumbo-jumbo blog.  But just so you know, as I know most of you are suckers for a happy ending...It worked.  I can run.  I've hit the dirt hills as often as I can and climbed, scrambled, huffed and puffed for quite a few hours this summer.  I've done things I used to marvel at others doing.  I think a lot out there.  Sometimes it's about deep heavy things.  Other times it's about what's for dinner. When no one is looking sometimes I even beat my chest and say "strong body-strong mind" over and over to run up the hills. I've even screamed like Tarzan. I've gotten bitten by dogs.  Stared at by rattlesnakes. Chased away deer.  It can be blissfully mind numbing.  A sanctuary of sorts.  At some point in every run, I picture my beautiful wife and child. I know you're not there along my side.  It's almost always a solitary mission, but know that I carry you always. I'm sure I'll never know why I truly do it, but I intend to keep going until I find out. Thank you for giving me the time and inspiration to change.

In some ways it's a new me.  In other ways there is no me.  I'm just a part of it all.

And I'll paint the house sometime.

Enough about me.  EGB also hit the trails hard this summer.  She's shaping up to be quite a trail runner herself.  One time she was on the trail and a mountain lion came out to see what was going on.  I screamed and yelled, "get baaaaaack!"  EGB started tickling the lion and they ran away together into the sunset.  She came home a couple of days later and told Otis our cat about what his wild brethren have been up to.  Otis stares out the window a lot more these days.

Peep this EGB on the trail video for a glimpse at the next great runner of our time..... (emailers go to the blog to see it

And why not throw in a picture too?
Get in the water.  Fall is coming.