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Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Hey, Where Did Everybody Go?

Ok. I haven't gone Carolina yet. However, EGB and D-Queen took off last Saturday. They left me here until tomorrow.

It's weird around here. By weird, I mean it's just me. That's weird. For example, right now I'm sitting in my basement at 5:30 AM with the I-Tunes cranking, a button down on--only buttoned at the top, boxers, and two mismatched socks (one of which I wore yesterday). There are dishes in the sink....obviously mine. Next to me is my ratty dog, fat cat, and an empty camouflage (hunting version) Miller High Life can which has doubled as my water bottle for two days.

Yesterday, I came home from work. Ate 1/4 of a leftover burrito from Saturday, took a bite out of some chicken in the fridge, and looked in the pantry at least 300 times before 6 PM. I opened the fridge door every time I walked by. I spent the next hour debating whether to order pizza or eat leftovers. Then I realized that I had pizza for lunch so I went to a buffet by myself. For the record, if you ever want to feel weirder then you already feel--go to a buffet by yourself. It's entertaining, scary, maddening, and hilariously elating (in a Dr. Strangelove kind of way). I don't recommend it unless you want to want to be up all night with visions of Chud-like steam tables with attacking mashed potatoes with a sidekick of over-gelatinous mac-and-cheese.

Maybe that's all not so weird to you. But to me, there is a chaotic orderly-ness about life post-EGB. There is a constant gravitational pull to the life of EGB that forces us stay in the orbital universe of toddler-dom. There is no escape. Not in a harrowing Sartre way--more like you're trapped in a modified Chuck-E-Cheese with an open bar, good pizza, endless crispy fries, friends abound, and all the non-stop bleeps, beeps, and farts of games and children. It's constant. It's always entertaining. But escapes have to be calculated and planned......and you never really can leave the building.

In reality being here without EGB and DQ just didn't feel right. There was a sense of anxiety about the whole thing. How was I to maximize this free time? Should I write a book? Or watch a movie? Eat something else? Go running? Read? Pet the neglected dog? The "freedom" is maddening. Everything I did was shrouded by the thoughts that I could be doing something more free. The daydreams of blissfully being productive in all the projects/activities/events that I had neglected over the past 17 months never manifested. I thought I'd be much cooler about the whole thing. I wasn't. I basically swept the floor, ate food, and thought about the next call I could make to hear the missed pip-squeaks of EGB. It was like the pause button was hit on life.

Welcome to my head.

Actually, it wasn't so bad. I got to hang with some old friends. Eat leisurely meals. Watch uninterrupted football. Go for runs in the mountains without time constraints. It all zips by anyways. But most importantly, I realized the hum (and sometimes bang) of life with EGB and DQ is the sound that keeps me inspired and alive.

I'm ready to go make some noise. I'm ready to see EGB and DQ.

Happy Thanksgiving to all. We are very thankful. We are soon to be full. And we are all, all that we have. So thanks for being in our world.

Cue the beats....It's picture time.

This is my snow outfit. It only takes 4 days to put it on. Usually the snow is gone by then. This is dumb.
This is my French scarf. I love the French. They have coffee breath, but good toast.
Me and Nanna hangin.
It's a perfect world where animals frolic in the sun. EGB is coming to bring peace to your world soon.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Gone Carolina

Good Friziyday (Friday for the unitiated).

Last weekend was a great time with Nana and Poppa....including a snowstorm and EGB's insistence on everyone yelling "butterfly" at least 600 times in the multiple readings of "The Very Hungry Caterpillar". Actually EGB's yelling of "butterfly" was closer to "butt-fly!!!!!!" I'm not sure what a butt-fly is, but I'm pretty sure I don't want 'em. One of these days, I'm going to have to create a translation dictionary for those that spend time with the EGB. It's like a U.N. convention around here. I'm pretty sure she was speaking html yesterday. I didn't even know you could do that.

Again, thanks again to Nana and Poppa for being with all us crazy kids.

Up next is making way for Carolina......if we don't talk before then, Happy Thanksgiving and I hope you get turkey on your socks.....

"In my mind I'm goin' to Carolina
Can't you see the sunshine
Can't you just feel the moonshine
Ain't it just like a friend of mine
It hit me from behind
Yes I'm gone to Carolina in my mind
Gone to Carolina in my mind
Then I'm on to Carolina in my mind
Gone to Carolina in my mind
Gone - I'm gone - I'm gone
Say nice things about me"

You don't have to say nice things. But it'd be nice if you did.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

It's Friday!!!!

Bring on the weekend. I hope it finds you in an abandoned school with extra toys and free reign of the playground.

No rules.

Friday, November 6, 2009


Don't know why but the video didn't attach to the last post. If you'd like to see the legendary Ellie Stringbean, go directly to the blog.

And what's a post without a picture?
Oldie but goody. A genetically modified lamb for parts of the world that really like oversized lamb cheeks.

Ellie Stringbean Springsteen In Action

For those that want more. I know you do. Check out the live performance of Ellie Stringbean. We've got to tighten up her act. She's putting the dogs to sleep......However, the ending where she tries to channel her inner Pete Townsend was quite a monumental breakthrough in here development.

The Rocker at work.....don't delete--this may be worth money someday. Note Calvin--her number 1 fan.

What Happened Next To Last Thing That Happened

We are working backwards here. Going forward in real time.....backwards in blogtime. Think of it this way--you're walking in a forest. You come across a talking cow eating a hamburger. Cows don't live in the forest. Cows don't talk. I don't think cows like hamburgers--that's a bit sordid. Get it? No? Me neither. It's like a David Lynch movie in your brain. Welcome to my life.

Before Halloween, we had snow. Lots of snow. So much snow that the first snow on the bottom of all the other snow was like, "Damn, I'm trapped. I wish you'd get off of me."

Evidence. The yard.
Actually there was so much snow that EGB's university cancelled for the day. That's a big deal. Not so much for the university, but for the EGB.....she was to give her molecular biology presentation that day. She tried to practice for me, but it brought back all kinds of repressed memories of high school chemistry. [screen goes blurry just like the flashbacks in the movies]

It was a pleasant fall day in Mrs. Chow's chemistry class. However, the weather was the only pleasant thing around. 25 miscreants....actually make that 24--I was the choir boy wrangling in the miscreants (my parents are reading this). There was a squad of split frogs that had sacrificed their lives in the name of high school science. That's a pretty low is one thing, but high school? These were weak link frogs. Frogs that got picked last in Frogger. Guaranteed to get squashed by the first car across the screen. Frogs that had legs that didn't even taste like chicken. They tasted like frogs.

Anyway, it was our job to take out the organs of fermented frogs. Still to this day, I'm not sure why. I mean I don't have much to learn from a frog kidney. I'm human, not frog. Even if I was frog, I wouldn't be down with frog kidneys. Just show me a picture. I'll get it. As you can see I was a resistant scientist. I didn't really have it in me to cut up formerly living things that smell like old pickles. I'd rather read a book.

What happened next was mind-blowing. Mrs. Chow turns around and my dissection partner who looked like Sloth from Goonies threw our frog out of a 3rd story window. Funny?-yes. Dumb?- super yes. The rest of the class obviously still had their very dead frogs.....we didn't. That presented a rather large issue when Mrs. Chow walked around to see how our frog was doing.

"Where is your frog?!?!?!" said Mrs. Chow.

"He jumped out of the window" said Sloth.

Ok....maybe that wasn't such a bad memory, but EGB's presentation was dragging on and I wasn't really having that much fun. So I told her that her presentation was the best that I'd ever seen and that school was cancelled. She was immediately disappointed that the university was to close on her big day, but got over it rather quickly when I said I had to stay home too. That can only mean one time.

First rule of order. Check out snow.

Since we had over 25 inches of snow and EGB isn't many more inches above that we decided to play AROUND the snow. My one order from the Dairy Queen that day was to not lose EGB. With 25 inches of snow I wasn't taking any chances. Plus EGB didn't have snow pants. Who thinks of 25 inches of snow in October? Eskimos?-Yes. Me?-No.

The Conquistador requested what all 16 month olds request in a big snow storm....wear magic slippers, of course. Forget my warnings--this child was wearing those slips.

Gloves? Check. Hat with kickball on top? Check.
I'm gonna touch this stuff.
That's not so bad. Snow is allright.
Dang. That's a lot of snow. Is that Stacey walking down the street? What's up girl! How'd you get out? Call me.
Ok, so now we got the snow exhibit completed and were successful in no major losses or damages. The Commissioner aka Dairy Momma will be pleased. What's next to do? Costumes, of course. Halloween is just days away and no costume in sight. Up first......

Ellie G. That got nixed early.
Tourist? Nope.
The Accessorized Gladiator? You serious?
Ellie Urkel? This is dumb.
Gloria the Extravagant? Maybe.
Ellie Springsteen! Oh yes! Born In Wheat Ridge!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The resemblance is there......for sure. We got a real rocker on our hands. EGB will be the champion of the little man in Golden.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Sorry I Haven't Written.....

...but neither has Einstein. Speaking of, Time magazine just put out an article about the science behind the "sorry I haven't written" phenomena. According to the author there are universal laws of mathematics at work to explain why there hasn't been a blog entry since October 13th. That's 17 dog years. So if you're a dog and you read this blog--first of all, I'm super impressed that you're a reading dog. My dog licks his toes and eats crayons. Second of all, I'm sorry that you've waited "years" for this.....days must be reaaalllly long for dogs. No wonder you're always hungry.

Anyway, I read the article 8 times and still have no idea what he's talking about. It's typical of these nuclear astro-thermal molecular physicist--they tell you what they're doing is important, put some words together that you don't understand, and then you nod your head and pretend to agree. I just think he's wasting his time on this one. I mean, damn, people get busy. Sorry I haven't written....that means you too mom. The 919 unread emails will be responded to shortly after EGB turns 30.

It is important to note that I searched this blog to see if I've ever been "sorry" before (insert cheap shot joke here). 7 times. Most references were from EGB in her apologies for slapping around a cat or spitting on an old time I said, "sorry for the delay". You know what? I'm not sorry. It's all mathematics and you're unfortunately not smart enough to understand.

On that note, The Dairy Queen aka Head Commissioner of The Family Planning Committee has commented that I over-reference aliens in my writings. Only 4 times. So there. I'm more "sorry" than I am committed to "aliens". However, I have referenced "wizards" 7 times, "ninjas" 5 times, and "invisibility cloaks" 1 time.....I will admit that I'm committed to the supernatural. What can I say? I just happen to think winjas (when wizards and ninjas mate) and space shifters make the office life more interesting.

Back to the matter at hand. The EGB. The Legend. The Milk Advocate. The Cheeks that store U.S. strategic petroleum reserves.....What? Wait. Hold on--I've got to take this call from Obama.

I'm back. That was a close one. We almost had to send The Cheeks to Washington to release some oil. For now she's safe with us and ready to blow up like MJ in 1983 at when he did that dance that made grown women violently shake each other and prisoners wear sequined gloves. She, like He will be missed. EGB is ready to party.

So much to share. Lots of things have happened. I just forgot them all. So I'll start with Halloween and in hopes that The Dairy Queen is less drunk on Kit Kats and Schedule 1 Candy Corn to remember what has happened over the past month.

Halloween began with the typical debate between EGB and her unappreciated and overworked spiritual guides aka The Captors.

"What do you want to be for Halloween?"

"Either Francisco Vaquez de Coronado the Conquistador or a Fairy"

"Huh? A Conquistador? Is that a drink?"

"No. They are 16th century Spanish explorers that searched for the Seven Cities of Gold in the New World."

"Oh. But they were really mean to the natives."

"That sucks. I must have not gotten to that part yet. I'm only on chapter two. I'm a friend to all. I'll be a fairy. Do you have any conscientious objections to fairies?"

"No. You can be a fairy."

"Great. I'll be a fairy. Thank you for your help. I'm going to go to my room to finish writing my symphony."

We were quite happy about this choice. Researching Conquistadors sounded exhausting and would be relatively difficult to explain to the trick-or-treat neighbors. Also, she looks more like an angelic troll with wings than an old Spanish explorer. It's a much easier production.

[It helps for effect if you read this next section aloud in the likeness of a boxing ring announcer. Loud! and exaggerated]

Without further ado please allow for us to introduce The Colorado Fairy--The winged mischievous species separate from humans and angels. A friend to natives and animals alike. A beacon of fashion in the fairy world (note the glitter slippers featured in Vogue). The greatest milk imbiber of all the centuries combined. The moment you've all been waiting for!!!!!! Theeeeeeeee EEEEEEE, GGGGGGG, BBBBBBBB !!!!!!!!!:

Gotta fuel up. Must drink milk before stealing candy from old people.
You were right. Being a benevolent fairy is much more fun than a big ol mean Conquistador. I will request candy in hopes of it being gifted to me.....I will not rob the unharmed.
Me and the captors. Dude, they are so embarrassing. I mean look at my dad. He picked me up at school in that outfit. While the teachers were calling Social Services, I was attempting to crawl my way to China in the sandbox. Or at least hide. Do any normal parents want me? I'm down for a trade...preferably somewhere warm and on the beach. I want to rock my bikini. (Side note--Holiday card?)
This is me and my lil homie Ben. We came up together. I've known him since we were in diapers. I like him and the way he eats candy. (Papa D here--Since EGB is not allowed to date until she's 80, her "liking" of Ben is troublesome. I had a nice talk with him and he seems like a fine respectable young man. I'll be monitoring the situation closely like a Secret Service agent in Cold War USSR.)
What did my dad say to you?!! Our relationship is cooling off. Thanks Papa D! You ruined it!!!!!! (Papa D here--I'm sorry, but I did it for all the dads of daughters out there. The score: 1-0, dads).
Seriously. What's in those cheeks? Is it really petroleum? Candy? Jello? Ham? You do smell a little hammy. I'm just sayin'.