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Thursday, March 25, 2010

"Better Off Sled"

The 1985-ish seminal flick, "Better Off Dead", has nothing on what you're about to see. Yes, there was a duo....like the Korean brother who spoke no English and the other learned English from Howard Cosell. In the EGB flick you'll see two "sisters-- one speaks Jive and the other speaks in Cheese. I don't speak either so I didn't really follow the movie.

The videos are directly on the blog for those who can't find them.....they're hiding from you.
I was wondering why EGB and Sidney were asking for Crisco earlier in the day......they was doin' some greasin' for the hill. Slick it up.
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Apparently going for a sled with Papa D is like a walk in the park. EGB doesn't seem that entertained.
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Thursday, March 11, 2010

Jewish Pirates

My sister, aka Auntie Rebecca Rebel Reb, one of the great researchers of our time, sent me an amazing news story that sent me on an Internet wave. It's true, she's up there with Steven Hawking and....and.....well, that's about the extent of my researcher knowledge. I'm not sure what Mr. Hawking researches other than I think he's trying to find the end of the universe with a pencil. Auntie RRR has a similar goal to find the end of the Internet via her laptop. Last I heard she only has 5 billion pages to go. If you need to find anything about anything--go to Auntie RRR, knock on the door twice, flash your lights once, and tell her Large Marge sent you. Rebecca's Tips will answer.

Mark my words. Soon you won't Google anything. You'll just "Rebecca" it.

Back to the matter at hand. Jewish Pirates. Jamaican Jewish Reggae Pirates. I woke up feeling a bit down, dreary, and sluggish. Then the email came. Like a golden plate of perfectly cooked barbecue after a few beers on a Saturday evening with the sunset casting over the day. Subject heading--"Jewish Pirates". I clicked the article link (click here if you want to see for yourself). The title popped up--"Jamaica's New Tourism Spiel: Beaches and Reggae and Jews. For those of you that know a bit of my history know that I did some time on the radio in Vermont as a DJ for a reggae show. So, naturally, I thought Researcher Rebecca had found an article in the Wall Street Journal about me. I mean I was a Jewish reggae pirate near a beach. A Vermont lake beach, but a beach nonetheless. I dove a little further into the article and realized that it wasn't directly about me. However, I learned a thing or two.

"Jamaica....was once home to a Jewish pirate named Moses.." Now things are starting to make sense. I always wondered how he did all that stuff with the Red Sea. Parting it. Leading people across it and all. He was a pirate. I guess pirates can do that sort of thing.

So I started looking into other Jewish Pirates. A few of my friends could possibly fit the bill. But they're more like metaphorical pirates. You know the kind--crack their teeth on liquor bottles at parties, attempt to kick ceilings, yell at kids at baseball games, take their shirts off at the wrong time.....generally, the type that should be forced to wear a helmet after midnight. They have day jobs. I know those pirates. I'm looking for real Jewish Pirates. The kind that would take down a whole bottle of Manischewitz in one slug when the water supply is scarce. The type that turns matzoh balls into grenades. The kind that could take a Bar Mitzvah party and the hired magician down with a chocolate fountain. I researched and researched. I found only 2 more in the world. Total=3 real Jewish Pirates in history.

Exhibit 1:

Steve Lieberman, The Gangsta Rabbi. He plays a flute and sells albums here on Amazon.com. He must be a feared and considered dangerous. My fight or flight response kicked in immediately upon viewing his picture. My ears bled when listening to his songs. He's lethal and will eat your children. If seen and he plays his flute--you have 15 minutes before your entire village is wiped out.

Exhibit 2:

This one was not surprising once I located her. She was right under my nose the entire time. EGB. She's young and new on the pirate scene, but making her mark quickly. She drinks milk all day long. Cows fear her. Diapers fear her. She'll hit you below the belt. She bathes in a wooden boat. She's our pirate. If you see her anywhere without her parents--you have 15 minutes before your brain will be vaporized by her crayons (and tell her to get her diaper butt home before dark).

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

The Devil Wears Yogurt

EGB was watching the Oscars and remarking that no one noticed her legendary performance in the 2009 drama, "The Devil Wears Yogurt". It ended up being a long night as I had to explain to her that the movie went straight to DVD and only sold two copies. I think Big Mommas House 2 even sold more copies....maybe. Then EGB got sad and threw her milk bottle at Sandra Bullock.

"Dang you Sandra! Best actress, my dirty diaper! That movie, All About Steve sucked and you know it! My performance in The Devil Wears Yogurt is breathtaking. It takes breath and throws it really far. Really really far. I hope your Oscar smells like old dog toes."

She would have kept going with this tirade, but I calmed her down with cheese. It usually works--that is, until we run out of cheese. Then it's back to yelling at Sandra.

For those of you who never viewed The Devil Wears Yogurt--here is your copy:

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Thursday, March 4, 2010

Bath Time Video Outake

So people really were digging the movie from yesterday. EGB is a star. Actually she's smaller than a normal star so I guess that would make her dust. She just said eat my dust. Eat it. Here is some more dust storm...

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Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Bum Mee Tee Towel Video

It's bathtime video time. It's the EGB and her Bumblebee towel show. Bum mee mee. Bum mee tee. Watch out Bum mee mees are dangerous and so is EGB if you take her cheese. She'll throw her cellphone at you.

If you get the updates via email you'll have to go directly to the blog to get the live action. Click below.

www.bohrmanfamily.blogspot.com

Introducing "blah blah blah blah"
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I told you those Bum mee tees are wicked dangerous.
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