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Monday, November 24, 2008

Crawlin' To A Town Near You

The activity du jour is "the lunge". Any minute now, by way of millions of years of hard-wired human evolution, "the lunge" will turn into "the crawl", which will likely turn into "the I think it's funny to scoot around the floor eating dog hair and popcorn scraps." She doesn't quite have the crawl down, instead she now gets the "eye of the tiger" look and has effectively mastered the belly-flop lunge.

Since my only framework of child rearing is raising Calvin as an 8-week old puppy into the debonair elder statesman that he is....I tend to mimic many of the "training" approaches with EGB. So teaching a child to crawl=teaching a puppy to retrieve. Therefore, in attempt to assist EGB with her new found desire to transport herself from point A to point B (by the way, I'm not sure if she has a choice or not, but if I were in her socks I'd milk the whole have-my-parents-carry-me-around-thing for as long as possible) I put her on one side of the room and her favorite stuffed animal on the other side saying, "Here girl! Come and get it! Woof woof". This is the point where Calvin thinks I'm talking to him and pounces on her stuffed animal and we end up playing tug-of-war while EGB does belly flops on the carpet like a fish out of water.

Side-note: Calvin recently chewed the leg off EGB's favorite stuffed parrot. So now she rocks a 3-legged parrot which makes her look like an empathetic pirate with a war-torn bird on her shoulder. Most pirates these days wouldn't want to be seen with a 3-legged parrot....makes them look soft, but as we know our EGB is a friend to the animal kingdom. However, don't let looks fool you, she remains a milk-thirsty, banana-mashing, almost-crawling, vicious Pirate of Golden.

Anyway, my puppy training technique as applied to EGB is not only NOT working, it's apparently setting evolution backwards. A devolution of sorts. Or maybe it's just that EGB is learning to crawl backwards before forwards which means I need to rotate her 180 degrees to effectively continue this training exercise. Once we establish a textbook crab-crawl-shuffle, a video will be posted for all the world to see.

Up next, we're going to work on potty training in the yard. It worked for Calvin.

Man, I got two left feet. Come on...left knee, left knee, right knee...left knee?

Roadblock! Reverse....beep, beep, beep

This is wild. I'm learning how to crawl. Can I go to the mall with my friends now?

I'm tired. I just lunged like 4 there a training video or something I can watch? Ooooh, can I get the internet in my crib? I'm ready to get down with some surfing. You tube is fun.

Feed me Seymour.......
Calvin? Where are you, you silly fur cake? I just dropped my toy for you....
Hamming it up. This should be the February shot for your calendar.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

The New Addition To The EGB Household

The High Chair.

This can only mean one thing--the end of the world. Maybe that's a little really just means that EGB will be taking things and throwing them on the floor for entertainment. Entertaining for her--yes. Picking up things and washing them for me--yes.

She cried the first time we put her in there..

"Waaaaa! No more restraining devices!!!" cried EGB.

"No, no....this chair is Swedish. It's ergonomic. Babies all over the world have perfectly aligned spines as a result of this chair." said me.

"Waaaa! I don't know what "urkelnomic" is. Is that a TV show? And Sweden?! I've never even been there. I can't eat Swedish meatballs. I want out!"

"No, no meatballs, this chair is made for you to eat mashed fruits and rice"

"Oh? It is. Ok I'm down. Feed me please."

And that's how we worked it out. Now the high chair is a peaceful respite from the tumultuous world on the floor. It is a beacon of peace between parent and baby.....feed unhappy...feed happy. Welcome to my world.

Check out my new chair. See the footrest that my feet don't get to rest on? Hey footrest! Quit teasin my feet! I'm growin towards you...

This chair is laughs! Not sure why. But if I smile I get free stuff.

Haaaaa. Just threw my cube on the floor for the 1,000th time. So funny watching Calvin try to eat it, then daddy try to get it out of Calvin's mouth, and then doing it again until daddy says bad words in the bathroom.
Calvin, smell my feet. Gotcha. They stank.
Mmm. Awacadwos. That's Spanish for awacadwos.
Done and done.
Haaaapy Daaaays...........

Monday, November 17, 2008

Weekend Action--Hellos, Goodbyes, and Just Lookin Good

The Hello-- Uncle Mikey paid the Great EGB a visit this weekend. She was very pleased with his development and thinks he'll be talking in no time. Uncle Mikey thinks EGB looks creepily too much like her father which makes him uncomfortable holding her. I think he'll get over it. Thanks for the visit and looking forward to the next one.

Uncle Mikey say, "I'm holding a little Dave. That's weird. I've never held Dave. And why is he wearing a dress?"

EGB say, "Uncle Mikey, it's me the Great EGB. Have no fear, unlike my daddy, I have superpowers that will protect you from bears and Russians."

The Goodbye--Aunt Haley (just in case you're wondering, these aren't real aunts/uncles in the blood way. It's more like an Italian mobster thing) has shipped herself off to the wild wild Charleston, SC. EGB helped her pack and tried to sneak into the UHaul. We'll miss her....and will always have a room in our basement awaiting her return.

This really isn't a smile. It's an EGB spell. If you stare at this picture for 5 minutes without blinking, Aunt Haley will arrive at your front door with a bottle of warm milk and a side of mashed avocados.

On to Lookin Good--EGB decided today was the day to rock some tights and a beenie. She was dressed to the 9s and lookin sharp. Sometimes I wish that someone would come to my house, open my dresser, and make me look as good as EGB....
I'm styling. I'm happy. I'm so layered that changing my diaper will be like getting warm Saran Wrap off a bowl of hot honey.
Rock this chair, I'm ready to rock.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Jammin On The Activity Set

Whoever invented the baby activity center deserves a medal. Thank you for entertaining my super active baby for 5 minutes while I surf the web. What did parents do before the activity center? It's like life before the computer, hot coffee, or when Angelina Jolie had only 19 kids....unimaginable.

Picture this. My life before the activity center---type one letter on keyboard, baby rolls to a dangerous area, reposition baby, type another letter on keyboard, baby throws rattle and barfs get it. Life after activity center--type an entire email, smile at baby, baby smiles is good. Plus EGB is learning highly advanced things like--if you touch something that will move. Or if you push a button it will make something happen. Oh yeah, high level stuff going on up in EGB household.

Ummmm. Not sure about all these buttons, lizards, wheels.....

Ah man..this is awesome. I'm like a drummer who beats on fake birds and spits on plastic.

Hee hee...I could do this for like 3 minutes without getting bored and throwing a tantrum. Then I'm gonna get bored and throw a tantrum.

Spin the wheel.... spin the wheel again...again..again
That was sick. I want to do it again in 30 minutes when I forget about what I just did 30 minutes ago.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

EGB Picture Mixture

Time to get the picture party started. First of all, this (see below) was in my redneck speak--"Dang near got run over by a 6-point whitetale buck deer. If I coulda put down my beer I would grabbed my shotgun and had me some deer snack." In Papa Dangerous speak--"Heeelp, EGB! Fly out of the crib and fight the evil varmit on our doorstep with your ninja prowess. " It was say the least. For your reference, I wasn't really scared. I'm like a regular Jack Hanna around here. One with nature...unless it charges. Then I might have to do some running.

Back to the matter at hand. EGB and her now legendary status as Queen of the Internet. Not since Jackie O has our country been presented with such grace, sophistication, and class. We've started charging other newborn parents to come to our house and view EGB aka "The Princess of Golden". Many have been flabbergasted by her beauty and ability to cure world hunger. One parent passed out in our doorway when she locked eyes with EGB (I charged her double). One visiting father's eyebrows fell off when he saw EGB writing a check for the electric bill.

Ok--I lied. Actually, no paying guests have come over....We're in the early stages of business development. Still working on the venture capital and all. The economy. It's a relatively new business model. Regardless, EGB can cure the darkest of days.....She can turn a cloudy-late-for-work-about-to-run-out-of-gas-no-food-Monday into a lazy Saturday afternoon sipping Mai Tais on the beach with an unlimited taco bar kind of day. It's true....I missed last week at work because of her.

Who me? What this isn't drool on my chin? Noooo, it's magic potion that can turn fryer grease into milk.

Still no hair. But, a point goes to me for looking fresh in my green warm-up suit.

Still no teeth in the mouth....but happy days are in session....
Whatchu lookin at? I can turn around now, you know? Say goodbye to the days of creeping up on the EGB. I'll spray you.
Nmmph, mmfft, rrrfttn, mrrrrph....

Monday, November 10, 2008

EGB On Rice

Whoah! Whoah? Whatchu mean "on rice"? "Is that some crazy new drug that kids are into?" "I told you not to let EGB go to the mall by herself!"

Slow down. This is a big moment in the great EGB's life. She has decided that there is to be more to her diet then warm milk. If it was up to me, I'd say she should have warm milk until she's got a job. And then she can go buy whatever she wants. But it's not up to me. She woke up on Tuesday and requested some rice cereal. Yes, rice cereal--the blandest thing on earth other than air and an interview with Brad Pitt.

So we mixed up a bowl, put on a bib (which EGB tried to swallow whole), and fed her some whipped rice meal. I'm not sure "fed" is the appropriate term as you'll see from the following video--it's more like we painted mush on her face and she pretended to eat it. Much like a one-way food fight.

I guess we're on our way to an Indian buffet by Saturday to plump this baby up. You know what they say, "Feed a baby an Indian buffet and they'll go to college when they're 6". Or maybe it's,...."they'll blow up the nursery with a 6 pound diaper". I read it somewhere.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

EGB The Vicious Ladybug

For the 30 seconds that EGB was happy with her costume we captured it on video.  Don't be scared of her menacing looks and ability to fly.  She will protect all those that keep warm milk on their doorsteps.  As for the rest of the video and be afraid.  Very afraid.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Hey All....We're Back and Badder!

Have no fear, the massive computer issues have been resolved.....

Hmmm. It's a beautiful new day of Barack-o-Promise. Not intending to make the EGB blog a political platform, but there is something primordial at work here. There has been an intentional resistance on my behalf to suppress any grand emotional attachment to the Obama campaign. I've always been wary and suspect of group thought. But today it's not about politics--it's a glimpse at the core of the human condition. Obama restores a faith in humanity that I believe has been lost in the shuffle of rugged individualism. We are happier as a family. The American Family. And I'm content for now....and only if it is for a moment--I'm better for today. I tried to explain this to EGB, but she farted and bit her toe. Kids.

So let's get down to it. You want Halloween pics? Here they are--don't be afraid of the man holding EGB the ladybug--it's me in my work clothes. There should be more pics, but EGB got sweaty in her costume and proceeded to fight the neighborhood kids over what she presumed to be a robbery of her candy.