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Saturday, July 30, 2011

Hey You With Kids! You Ever Feel Like Your House Is Too Damn Loud?

This is one way to deal with it.  Read this article:

Chinese Couple Sells All Three Kids to Play Online Games

Dang, all three of them?  Don't you think they should have started with one...maybe two first?  Just to try it out.  See how many games they could get through?

I don't there is much need for any serious commentary on this one.  I mean, I love Chinese food and all, but this is just crazy.  She must be a robot.

Also, tell an 8-month pregnant lady aka The Dairy Queen, that after she deals with carrying around this bowling-ball-beast in her belly throughout the intense heat of the summer without air conditioning in her house or her car that she'll be giving up the baby for some change to play video games.  She's gonna be like, "You outta yo' damn mind.  I'm not doing all this work for a video game.  Go get yourself an Atari or something.  This kid is going to be raised to do my dishes and wax my ride."

Fortunately for EGB, her captors don't play online games.

I don't care what you say, nothing is worth all this.  Well...actually, for a time travel machine and unlimited pizza, I'd open to discussions...

Friday, July 29, 2011

Bah Bah its Friday!

Whew.  Been wrapped up in a whole lot of things this summer can't seem to get down to blogging.  But I've got it all meticulously organized in my basement war room....the well is overflowing.

Speaking of "things", my new thing is leaving groceries at the grocery store.  Not in the cart.  Not on the shelf.  But right after purchasing, I just don't take all the groceries with me.  It's happened 3 out of the past 3 times I've been.  First time it was a whole chicken, next a bag of cherries, and last night 2 bags of shredded cheese.  I'm beginning to think it's a conspiracy.

Last night at the checkout as we're giving them our money...

"Let's make sure we have all our stuff as we've been leaving the goods behind," says Mom to me and cashier jokingly.

"Yup" said me looking at the cashier who was then looking at us like we were bat slappy currrzy.

Then EGB proceeded to make 130 requests in 10 seconds--

"Can I ride the horsey?"

"Can I eat a cookie?"

"Can I hold that?"

"Can we go to a restaurant?"

"Why is that girl crying?"

"Dad can we go on a rocket ship to go poopie?"

"Dad......" "Mom..." "Dad...." "Mom..."  (a hundred and 125 more times)

It's really unbelievable as we've somehow raised a little Perry Mason who holds court at the Supreme Court every waking moment.  I think I'm going to let her take the bar exam to see if she could maybe put those negotiating skills to work.  At least, it'd help pay for the groceries.

So it's in that moment of EGB's lawyer-ing vortex that the groceries disappear.  

Got home last night and was ready to crush some big boy nachos covered in two kinds of cheese.  None to be found.  Jay started laughing.  I started sweating.  It couldn't be.  3 times?  I looked in the freezer, in EGB's bed, under the hood of the cheese.  This is crazy.  This is crazy.

I had to drive back to the store for the 3rd time.  The cashier had the bag sitting there.  With another bag left behind by someone else (that made me feel a little better).  At the end of the day I'm not sure whose fault it is and I really didn't care.  I just wanted my warm cheese.

I have a feeling this wouldn't have happened without EGB.  However, I can't know that for a fact as my entire memory prior to EGB's presence on earth has been wiped from my brain--that's biology's way of making sure you keep your kids.  Otherwise you'd be likely to remember a time when you didn't leave groceries at the grocery store and beer and pizza grew on trees....

I'll guess I'll keep EGB.  

Peep the latest song on video (gotta go to the blog for you email subscribers), "Bah Bah Black Sheep".  Apparently people sang this song 5,000 years ago as no one is called a "dame" or visits people "down the lane" anymore.  Or as EGB says, "down the LAME".  Yup, these lyrics are lame, but EGB is hot and trying out for reality tv shows, commercials, and basically anything that keeps the checks flowing.  

Have a great weekend and stay fresh.  Good things are coming your way.....

Friday, July 8, 2011

Happy Friday. Camping Trip Success Story.

Happy Friday alllllll!  We survived another weekend in the woods.  Dirty feet, lost sunglasses, skeeter biters, grilled animals, dusty roads.....full stories are on their way.  
Until then, a Cliff note of how to hike EGB style.

#1--Fill up Camelbak with tons of water because Moms and Dads are always sweating me about drinking the stuff.  I prefer chocolate milk, but I'll entertain the captors for a bit.

 #2--Get your buddies and crush all your water in 2 minutes. 

#3--Find a mountain and hike it.

 #4--Smile when you pee in your shorts.  Change into new shorts.

#5--Grab a pole and slay fish with your friends.

 #7--Get yer own line and relax.

#8--And if those new shorts don't fit.  Don't worry people think it's funny when they fall off.
And that's it in a nutshell.  Do it over and over and over and you'll have a good life.

Go kick this weekend's tushy!

Friday, July 1, 2011

Awww Snap It's Friday.

This is getting harder.  The hole is getting bigger and it's getting more difficult to get out.  I'm getting sucked into the can't-blog force field.  It's dark in here.....

I'm going to dig deep and find the inner fire.  But not today.  Maybe later.  Sorry folks. I'm livin.  I'm running.  I'm cleaning.  Life is upon us....there will be time for reflection later, because life gets easier, right?  Right?  Hello?  Whatever, I'll get it done.

The 4th of July is upon us which means that 2011 is more than 1/2 over.  Normally I'd assume my readers understand that, but I'm not sure about you all.  It also means that grilled meats, dangerous warm mayonnaise salad concoctions, and jean shorts are upon us. 

We're out.  We're heading to the grand mountains in search of dirt, fish, and finding out the most important things in life such as peeing on trees, sleeping on the ground, swimming in the creek, and fighting off bears.  Don't worry mom, we'd never go camping anywhere "isolated" because being away from the busy, hectic, noisy world is really, really bad.  We found a nice campsite in a Walmart parking lot.

Until then much love to you zoo animals.

And enjoy this terrifying video of of the EGB crushing yogurt.  Terrifying if you're yogurt.  Momma yogurt, don't let baby yogurt see this....she'll have nightmares of a kinky beast eating her kin.