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Saturday, February 28, 2009

Bathtime Poem

EGB is into poetry these days.  She wants me to share her latest poem which is heavy. Deep. Curl up by the fire and contemplate life.

Tub Tales

Got to love the tub,  
Still no hair to scrub,
If only I had a credit card,
I'd buy some hair by the yard.

No soap in the eyes,
If you do I'll cry,
Water is now my friend,
My vocabulary is small so--the end.
Please get me a Pina Colada....in a bottle.  Shaken, not stirred.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Sitting In The Park

We've been having some moderate weather around here. By moderate, I mean it was 70 here yesterday. I'm not rubbing it in for you chillier folks. I'm just sayin'.

We took advantage of a warmer winter weekend to take EGB to the park. She'd been requesting that we let her out of her pen to explore the swing set phenomenon that other kids have been telling her about on the streets. After checking in with her probation officer, she was granted one hour of leave provided she was back in time for the afternoon nap. I didn't see that as much of a problem considering she can't run away as a result of her inability to walk. Also, Calvin is a mean watchdog so we could sic him on the inmate if need be. So off we went.

EGB is getting to the point where she is not so interested in her parents. We are no longer her world. She is now enthralled by the millions of neurons firing each second when she is exposed to external stimuli. By this I mean, her brain is like a sugar addict locked inside a candy factory frantically running around taking monster bites of candy bars, shoving Lemonheads in her ears, throwing sugar cubes, licking windows, and bathing in syrup.

Sounds like fun, huh? EVERYTHING is interesting, but only for a second..which means we need new things every second. This wears on the weary parental soul, but is funny to watch nonetheless. I'm speculating that this only gets intensified as the toddler years approach. But I will not be broken. I will bring thing after thing to EGB until she is thing-ed out. I cannot be out thing-ed. I'm the thing master. Thing-a-ling-a-lang. Thing. Thang. Thing. Thing infinity.

Now I'm no doctor, but what seems to happen to EGB throughout her thing-consumption process is that her brain neurons get hot. Really hot. And like electricity her brain gets so full of things that it trips the breaker that can only be reset by naps. It's the overwhelmed factor. EGB will just freeze up. Control-Alt-Delete. The sugar addict must sleep sometime.

Here's me in my prison jumpsuit contemplating nothing. I don't get the appeal of swinging in a bucket.
Upon further inspection...it appears that we've dressed EGB somewhere in between Ralphie's pink bunny suit and Ralphie's brother's snowsuit from "A Christmas Story".
Ralphie's brother's snow suit....I can't move my arms.
Ralphie's bunny suit given to him by his Aunt or something like that....
Me, my parole officer, and the watchdog.
I'm prrrettty sure I've got a sizeable wedgie under this suit.
Jammin' in the park.

That was awesome Dad. Now I'm gonna smack you upside your head in joy.


Monday, February 23, 2009

EGB Gone Fishin'

Ok...so there's a little backlog on the EGB pics/video updates which is quite unfortunate as she mutates like an alien daily. Therefore, these pictures from a few weeks ago show an outdated version of EGB that you may not recognize if you just met her today.

While I have been known to exaggerate on this blog there is some truth to the rapid evolution of EGB's physical and emotional status. Sometimes after I work when I see her she has learned something entirely new over the course of 8 hours like clapping or dancing. This blows my mind. Actually it makes me wonder what happened to that hope and promise of my (allegedly) adult mind? What if I just came home from work one day and was like, "Hey family. I learned how to make my own aluminum foil today." Or, "Hey gang. I just picked up rocket science this morning." You'd think I was lying. But for some reason we're willing to accept that babies make rapid, monumental, life-shaping changes....but not adults.

It's as if all of the things in our lives are distracting us and inhibiting us from exercising our real transformative powers. That's it. I'm bringing baby power back. Watch out world it's revolution time in the form of baby neurons. I'm getting baby smart, but not wearing diapers.

Oh yeah, EGB went to the aquarium and this is what happened next.

EGB at her first trip to the aquarium with Grammy/Grandma/Granny/Nanny Boo (we're still working on the right name for her). She tried to eat a shark, but realized she needs to learn to swim first.

This is the Pope in his Popemobile.

This is the EGB in her EGB-mobile.

EGB attempting to break through the glass and set the fish free.
EGB and Grandma in the rainforest of Colorado.
Mmmmm....fish.
Standing?!? It's an allusion.

Riding my duck. Sure that's normal. People ride ducks all the time.

Friday, February 20, 2009

A Friend To The Animals

In this video you will see the great humanity of EGB.  Here she rescues a cat in the middle of a battle with a grizzly bear from its pending doom.  Then proceeds to perform tail-reattachment surgery using a pine needle and a spider web.  Then just when the cat was gasping for its last breath...EGB breathed her magic 2-tooth-pirate-breath-of-life into the cat and immortalized the kitty.  She named the cat Otis and he'll likely live to be older than Moses, who I believe lived to be 1,000. That's a lot of birthday presents--he must have had a lot of camels to carry them around.

video

Friday, February 13, 2009

Taken Down

Yes. There has been a public outcry. "Why have there been so few blog entries since January 22nd?" Did you not read the last entry? My entire family was exposed to flesh-eating viruses and antibacterial resistant super germs at a boogie pizzeria.

So the EGB and I took a sick day. We passed around a box of Kleenex and watched justice being served on Judge Judy and Judge Joe Brown and Judge Hatchett--it was a great lesson for EGB to see democracy at its finest.

Snow tastes good.
Posing for the calendar.
Look into my eyes..........Whattyu lookin' at? Yeah, I got 2 teeth and a moderately bald head. So?
Paparazzi Rule number #1- When a camera is pointed a you, attempt to tackle the cameraman.
Notice the left leg fully extended. I'll be walking soon and chasing deer.


Tuesday, February 10, 2009

When Babies Attack

Most babies are sweet, have no feelings of ill will, and smell like damp roses and diapers. Ohhh noooo, not EGB. She's straight out of prison. She's vicious. If you feed her after dark.....she'll eat your children. And if you feed her before dark....she'll still eat your children.

One time I saw EGB in the mall, and she threw the lady handing out the free samples of orange chicken over a group of high school kids into a bowl of fried rice because she said EGB was cute. Another time EGB drove her stroller to Hollywood to try out for the Ultimate Fighting Championship and they ended up banning her from the State of California after she set the ring on fire because her opponent said she smelled nice.

I swear. It's a war zone around here. We need a stimulus package just to focus on EGB's destruction. It's gonna be a long year.

If there are kids in the room or if you have a weak stomach.....don't play this video--it may cause nightmares.
video

Sunday, February 8, 2009

These Eyes...

...Will take you places. 

If you stare into the EGB eyes for 5 seconds a ghost will pick you up and take you to your favorite amusement park.  Most of the games will be free.  The ones that are not, will be very very affordable.  You will win many prizes.  There will be no lines.  Your fanny pack will be full of ride tickets.  And if you normally projectile barf on a ride that spins or goes upside down--it will not happen on this day.  But the best of all will be a day with the EGB, guaranteed no rain. However, you should bring your poncho just in case.

I see you....very well.