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Tuesday, December 30, 2008

I Locked My Parents In The Shed and Took Over The Blog

Hi. I'm the EGB. I've taken over the computer, obtained the password to my blog, and locked my parents in the shed. So it's just me and my brother Calvin...and that ratty cat Otis. I don't really have much planned as I have to be down for a nap in a hour and I'm not really good at online shopping yet. I've been looking for the milkshake machine for 15 minutes and trying to break into the liquor cabinet to spike the no avail.

Here is me and Calvin. 2 dogs just hangin out. May watch some Animal Planet and share a bowl of raw beef.

This is our gangster shot. Don't mess with us. We're from the old country.

Doing some yoga and relaxing. Looking for something to destroy.

Hanging out on Calvin's bed....I may have to nap out here since I can't get into my crib.
Getting a little sleepy. May start a fire to snuggle with Calvin.Ohhhh snap. Found out where they keep the presents.
I'm just gonna open one....they'll never know.

I'm getting lonely. Where are you guys?!?!
Dang... I just doodied! I better get my parents out of the shed to change my diaper....That was fun while it lasted. I need a nap.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Got 2 Bottom Tooths

Beware wild animals, meat products, republicans, and mean children. EGB has two teeth. This may be a bit of an overstatement considering that they both have merely cracked the bottom gum...they both total maybe an 1/8 of a tooth. They're like mini rice granules.

Don't be fooled, this 1/8 of a tooth is sharp. Razor sharp. She can eat rocks, cut gems, bite the head off a mosquito, and chomp the Dairy Queen where it counts. She'll be eating live chickens in no time.

I asked her if these mini-ivories were bothering her. She replied, "No, but if you act up I'm gonna saw your eyebrows off." (typical response these days). At that point I left the room, bought a side of cattle, and left it in the crib for the carnivorous EGB to gnaw on through the night. As long as we have animal bones around the house we should be ok with this teething baby beast.

Oh no?!?! What's going on here?

Pssst. Papa, I've got something to say to you. It's very serious. My cheeks are gonna blow up. I've got tooths.

Ok....I think I'm gonna be ok.....Just go get me some ham bones to file these fangs down.
I'm happy about these teeth...Whoo wee--Feed me grown up food.
Can you see the tooths?
No? Now can you?

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Oh Hanukah, Oh Hanukah

Hanukkah is upon us which means the opportunity to initiate fire hazards are here. Fire up the oil and burn some potatoes. Maybe deep fry a donut. Set a small mini fire on the dining room table with candles. Which by the way was one of my favorite activities as a budding childhood pyromaniac--don't worry my "career" essentially consisted of lighting packs of matches in the yard and occasionally blowing up a GI Joe figurine with firecrackers. But Hanukkah was the time that we children were allowed embrace our inner pyro and set fire to something inside the house.....and then receive a present. It's the best time of year.

We are not introducing EGB to fire just quite yet. But the other day one of her 40lb soiled diapers was on the verge of spontaneous combustion before I threw it out the window in the snow. That's another blog entry all together.

EGB has gracefully embraced Hanukkah....which isn't saying much as EGB would likely embrace a prison inmate with a stuffed animal and jarred carrots. Regardless, since EGB is the oldest of all her cousins she has put together "The EGB Guide To Present Opening". It's an elaborate in-depth look at how a baby should open presents.

1st--Pretend that you can read the card. Adults like for you to appear that you know what you're doing.

2nd--Acknowledge that you have read the card by stuffing it in your mouth. If mommy and daddy aren't looking, be sure to lick the paper for any potential milk residue.

3rd--Put present in mouth and soften up paper with saliva. Avoid stickers and tape.
4th--Once paper is soft enough tear apart and put gift in mouth. Don't worry if it's edible or not--that's what parents are for. Never pass up the opportunity to sneak something in the mouth.
5th--Express happiness with gift. If it's an article of clothing place in front of your body to show off.
6th--Take remaining wrapping paper and make a yarmulke.

Slip Slide Video

Ellie's first slide video.  Wooo weeee.

Subscribers--if you can't see this video in your email, just click on the blog link and watch the video directly from the blog.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Weekend Playground Romp

Over the weekend we ended up at a playground with our friends, Ry-Ry, She-ra, A-Ry-Ry, and Mozzar-Ell (fake names are used to protect the identity of our friends who are embarrassed by us). Monumental event--first playground of many for the extra playful EGB. The highlights were the pebbles that EGB picked up and put back down. Whew, life is tough for a 6-month old.

I managed to eat a sub in 30 seconds on a park bench. This may not seem like much of a feat to you, but I've been noticing the speed at which I eat since EGB was born has been cranked into overdrive. It's this feeling of, "If I don't stuff my face as fast as possible there is a possibility that the little fuzzy ninja will turn on us like the Exorcist and I'll starve the rest of the day or Calvin will somehow sabotage my sandwich with his elastic mouth." Maybe I'll get some counseling.....or Tums.

Anyway, we hit a couple of slides, a tire swing, and walked the wobbly bridge. EGB seemed thoroughly entertained which isn't saying much as she'd be entertained by a hairball on the floor. The day was a success until kids got cranky and the party was over.

Baby likes to rock-it.

Oooh. Papa, I can see the beach...can we go?

Apparently, it's impossible to take group pictures with children without some type of magic potion.
Let's do the slide again and again and again and again.
Bonus shots--EGB in the pen.
These are my cellmates. Rosco the bear--he's in for aggravated diaper rash. And Wally the octopus--he's doing life for assault with a rubber nipple.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

The High Chair Photo Shoot

The oh-so photogenic EGB said, "Papa grab the camera, I'm gonna show you how to work it." Since I'm used to taking direct orders from a 6-month-old I swiftly grabbed the camera and shot away. EGB wanted to show off her eating skills and ability to hold a toy with both hands.

As expected, the introduction of solid foods has created a new set of experiences/issues/variables when changing diapers. There are a new set of "surprises" in the basket. In efforts to be respectful of my conservative reading audience that wants nothing more than to NOT read about EGB's happenings on the changing table, I'll only say this--EGB works very hard for a very small result. Basically she's emulating the rabbit kingdom. I suppose that's better than the bear kingdom.....

Watch me put all the food in my mouth. What is this? Did you get this from Whole Foods?!? I only do gourmet.

Yeah. Who wants some of this? I'll spit carrot juice in your ear.
Sweet potatoes taste sweeter if I spit them.Hey Papa. No more pictures. Dang, paparazzi making my eyes hurt.
Hee hee. They THINK I ate my food, but I stuffed them in my cheeks and plan to feed the dog later.
Da da da da da.
This psychedelic vibrating strawberry is wild. Reminds me of the 60s in San Fran....far out man.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

EGB's First Snow

I'm reporting that EGB loves snow. This is a beneficial quality as we live in Colorado and her momma loves snow so much she'd probably live in an igloo if it was possible.

EGB is a regular snow bunny.
Pull me to the grocery store....we need some eggs.Are we gonna sled or what?
My family keeps me warm...otherwise I'd have to move to Mexico....and I don't know anyone there.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Extra, Extra!!! Introducing The Newest Legend

Woooo Weee!

Welcome to wild world, Logan Lane Kline. Coming at you straight from the Capital of The Free World--the land where attorneys, politicians, crackhead mayors, and half-smokes reign aka Washington D.C. Apparently, Logan Lane was ready to get the party started early so she popped out in advance of her due date. Her first words were, "Due dates are for suckas. Me? I'm ready to work it out. What's up mom and dad? Let's go to the White House...." And that was pretty much it for her first day.

The Colorado Diaper Posse and all its nationwide affiliates congratulate sister/brother in-law Allie and Andrew on their addition to the clan. Word on the street is that D.C. real estate values have gone up directly in response to Logan's arrival in The Capital City.....people have been seen crying upon the sight of the glorious Logan Lane.

And Logan, you are officially our favorite niece. You made a wise selection to have Allie and Andrew as your folks. Your momma can cook Julia Child under the table and your poppa is on a mission to ensure that every restaurant in the country is in compliance with health code regulations. Match made in heaven...on earth.

EGB say--"Welcome cuz Wogan. Since I've been on terra firma for approximately 6 months I have tons of worldly advice to pass along to a youngblood like you. Life is too short to scream when you're hungry. Please note this is contrary to the advice I gave my other cuz Isaac when he was born, but I was only 3 months then and not nearly as super smart as I am now. So don't scream when you're hungry...scream when you're happy. This way you'll confuse the doodie out of your parents. It's funny. Mess with them as much as possible, then get on your blackberry and page me. When you get older, I'll show you how to surf the net and eat your socks."

I'm Logan....dang, being birthed was tiring. Here's me dreaming of hot milk and designer pocketbooks.
The following pics are for the die-hard EGB blog readers that want to know what truly goes into capturing that "I'm going on the blog picture-perfect shot". As you can see it takes a ton of work, set design, lighting changes, EGB controlling.....tough life we have, but we do it for you. Here are the outtakes.
Let me get that sign. I wanna put it in my mouth.
Notice the "bite" marks by the EGB section of the sign. Sheesh, she's such a diva during these photo shoots. She almost threatened to go to her trailer if we didn't let her gnaw on the sign. Apparently, putting things in her mouth is a sign of approval in baby language....which means she approves of everything. She's quite open minded for a youngster.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

EGB's Thanksgiving Day Itinerary

Like most 6 month olds on their 1st Thanksgiving, EGB had big plans for the day. Upon her awakening she demanded milk. Then a nap. Then milk. Then a nap. Then milk. Then bed for the night. As you can see this was an exceptional day.

Considering EGB requires 22 hours of sleep, 2 hours of milk feeding, 3 hours of toy playing, 1 hour of book reading, and 3 hours of staring at inanimate objects which totals 64 hours of EGB attention every day.....we accomplished quite a bit.

Goood Morrrning Crrrrib! Where am I?

Hey wait.....don't close the door on me.
Um. Papa? I have a question. Do you think it would be possible to warm my pears up to an agreeable 72 degrees? This vastly helps my digestion and would be greatly appreciated. And after the snack, may we go for a jaunt in the woods so I can say hi to the animals? When we get back, I'd like to discuss alternatives to the Automotive bailout.
Ok. If you're gonna cook a turkey in this pan, I need to put a kosher baby blessing on it. Put me in the pan. Swirl some Manischewitz around me. Put my purple yarmulke on......consider it blessed by the great EGB-ski.
Heyyyyy. How come there's no onions up in here?That's better. Now get me out of this pan and put a bird in it.
Let me taste that gravy to make sure it's suited to my expectations.....hmm, tastes like rice and bananas. Perfect.