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Friday, September 25, 2009

Cracking the Wiper Caper Case

Here's a wild Friday tale for those that love a good mystery. Please stay tuned for this edition of Master-Diaper Theater, "Who Stole The Damn Wipes?".

It was a hot summer day. The type of sweltering day that a baby takes her diaper off and puts it on her head to suck up the copious amounts of milk-sweat. A day to cruise in the stroller with the top down. Most importantly, a perfect day for cracking a mystery.

About 10:00 came around and time for the dirty diaper change-up. Papa D, entered the sweaty chamber of diaper stank to do the duty (doodie). Then the diaper came off and everyone in the neighborhood collectively said, "What's that smell? Mama been cookin' again?". Papa D reached over for the wipes as he had done 600,000,000 times before, but this time it was different.

"Knock!" was the sound of Papa D's outstretched hand hitting the wooden tray on the changing table where a box of wipes has always been. He walks over to the cabinet to where there is an infinite supply of diapers and wipes (that are always replenished by the diaper/wipe fairy aka Dairy Queen--a public thank you). To no avail.

"Ohhhhh Noooooooo!!!!!! Holy liquid smokes! Someone came into the house stole all the wipes and put our name on the diaper/wipe fairy's do-not-deliver list. This is a travesty. An outrage. A blight on humankind. What's a Papa to do now?!?!?"

Then out of nowhere, dirty-bottomed EGB vaporized into the changing table and a very similar looking detective flew in through air duct. "Have no fear! Detective EGB is here!" squealed the 20" detective. Papa D had to admit he was relieved but at the same time concerned with what the Dairy Queen would say when she came home to the original EGB vaporized and possibly transformed into the worlds shortest detective. He had a hunch that after the initial shock wore off, the Dairy Queen would be happy at the EGB's chosen profession at such a young age.

Anyway.

"We will capture the wipe caper and banish him to a life of diaper duty," said Detective EGB.

"All right. Whatever you say. You're the detective. Let's roll......." said Papa D.

"Ok, but first I must get my inspector glasses and invisibility cloak."

"You have an invisibility cloak?"

"Yes."

"Cool. Can I borrow it next time the Dairy Queen is looking for me to change EGB's diaper during a football game?"

"I'm telling her you said that."

"Please don't. I was kidding."

"Ok. I got your back Papa D."

High fives all around.......next.

Detective EGB reporting for duty. These glasses make my forehead look small. That's ok because unlike other humans I have most of my brain in my cheeks. There have been reports in the neighborhood of the wipe caper looking like a crazed piano playing wolfman. We called in the experts to recreate what the wipe caper looks like.....here he is. He's kinda cute.
Next we go to the neighbor, Mrs. Busybody, to ask what she saw. Everyone knows that witnesses are key to cracking the case. Mrs. Busybody said she didn't see any wild haired wolfman around our house, but that she saw that Ron, a few houses down had fried chicken for dinner and a new girlfriend. You can always count on Mrs. Busybody for some good info, but this time she was no help in cracking the case. However, she sure has some crazy hair and like the wolfman, is also kinda cute.
Next, we went to park to see if we could track down any other witnesses. We came across this blond bombshell. She refused to give us her name, but said that she saw a wolfie looking dude in our basement. We were so excited about the tip that we forgot to ask her what she was doing in our basement.......I guess somethings are better left unknown.

We ran down to the basement and sure enough....the wolfman was on the couch.

Gotcha! You cold-blooded wipe caper! Do you know the kind of unsanitary conditions you caused by capering the wipes?!?! You are in soooo much trouble--even though you also are kinda cute.

And that was how the wiper caper case was cracked. And--POOF. EGB un-vaporized herself and turned up on the changing table all wiped up and clean. Phew. That was a close one. If anyone sees the Great Detective EGB be sure to thank him....I never got the chance to.

Don't mess with us or you'll get spanked.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Weekend Adventures On Planet Rock

Announcement. It's the weekend.

The EGB is now 15 1/2 months. Which is also 67 weeks or 11,400 hours, or 684,000 minutes, or 41,040,000 seconds. Basically not much time has passed, but life just isn't the same. I remember when Fridays used to mean maybe a nap, leisurely dinner, happy hour.......now it's diapers, giggles, cutting grapes into small pieces, reading pop-up books--wouldn't change it for the world. Naps are overrated--unless you're EGB, they're necessary to rejuvenate the life source needed to fight the dog who runs her over.

Happy weekend and may you take a shower and smell nice.

This hiking thing is awesome because you carry me around like a princess and show me off to the rocks. I must be special.
Apple picking in the front yard is interesting. I didn't know apples grow in the grass. I ate an apple whole once. It didn't go down so well so I shot it out of my mouth like a blowdart and took out the neighbor's cat.
Gotta reach for the best apples. What's apple picking without a little danger. Oops. I'm showing waaaayyy too much diaper for a family blog. I'm racy like that.
In school Little House on the Prairie style. Teacher!? That kid behind me stanks. Check his diaper for a dead animal.Huh?
Me at my 1st birthday party. I hated that tu-tu.Today after 3 months of counseling, I've learned to love that tu-tu. It was a long road but now me and my tu-tu are tight.
Dancing in the kitchen is sweet until I hit the oven, turn on the burner and scorch my afro. That's when the fun stops.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Happy 1,000,000,000,000th Anniversary

So it was 3 years ago to the day that we stood under the stars of Estes Park and proclaimed our undying, timeless, everlasting love for each other. The moon and the mountains moved under our feet, trembling in awe of the power of our love. Aliens were slated to destroy our universe but instead were brought to their scrawny knees and found themselves frolicking in the celestial sands by the forces our loving aura. Even the most hardened criminals in prison were holding hands and embracing each other (admittedly they may do that anyway, but I wouldn't know anything about doing hard time....soft time? Maybe.) African nations and their citizens' whose great-great-great-great-great-great grandparents didn't get along....still didn't get along.

Oh well, but for a split second of "I do" there was peace in our universe. I vividly remember pulling out my scrap paper with my vows scribbled all over and being taken down by the invisible forces of emotion. It doesn't get more honest than that. I am truly eternally grateful for the rock of support provided by my wife, family, and friends. Thanks to all that came to the celebration both in person and spirit. Even if you got snowed on, rained on, sun-ed on, loved on--we came to do work. That was one kick-ass party.

By the way it is a point of contention in our household about the anniversary tally. The Dairy Queen believes that the anniversary should encompass the 400 years that we dated prior to the "I do". Essentially it is her belief that we should get "credit" for all the hard time that we did together. As if there is some prize bank to cash in your anniversary chips at the end of the road. While that's a noble thought, it's a timeless adventure for us all. It's all a fart in the wind. Yes, it happens....but all too quickly it will be gone. So to Jay and to the rest of you--Happy Anniversary and may we celebrate for eternity.
"Hey baby. What's for dinner?"
Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad. I'm glad you met each other and found me at the grocery store! Quit that kissin' and feed me.
What's a blog post without almost getting slayed by a cute pic of The EGB?
Whatyu say Dad? NO! I will not tell Mom that you like her-like her. That's gross.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Friday Is My-Day

Yup. It's Friday once again. EGB loves this day because it means the weekend. She gets to leave the stress of the long, hard workweek behind and just relax with the family. It's tough being 15 months. People have all these crazy expectations. "Say this"...."Say that"..."No"..."Do this"....She gets tired of all the orders and takes the weekend to do a few things for herself. This weekend is going something like this:

First, put on the magic slippers.

Then break into the liquor cabinet for the top shelf milk.

Then do some light errands like watering the flowers and maybe some scrapbooking.

Then get some fresh air and take the family for a hike.

Climb a mountain or two.
Yes! The weekends are always a success. Tipsy on milk........I can't wait until next Friday to do it all over again.

Friday, September 4, 2009

It's Video Friday

Got some videos. Get out the popcorn. EGB has gone crazy in the ocean....

This is crazy. This is crazy. This is crazy. This is fun?

video

Nothing like a bunch of sandy cheese after a swim.

video

Here's my belly. It takes a lot of hard work to maintain this figure.

video

Next, gotta always get my hair did. Brushing it with my Gucci purse.

video

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Gone Swimmin'

Been on vacation in Maine....there are many tales to tell. Once we get our heads screwed back on we'll be sharing some more of our summer with you. EGB is still legendary, bipedal, and storing spaceship parts for NASA in her cheeks. Until then....

Cuddle up with a tiger.
Umm. There are the keys. If I could just reach over there I could take this bad boy for a spin to the milk bar. Mmmmm milk.
Whoah! The ocean is cold! I just peed on my flip-flop.