Adventures in Babysitting and Mixed Pics

This was last Friday night when my friends from work Molly C., her son Ashton, and Sunni M. kidnapped EGB and forced Jay and I to go on a date. After deliberating for maybe about 3 seconds we agreed to their terms and picked a new hamburger joint 30 seconds down the road in case the babysitters couldn't handle the thunder of EGB.

Dinner went like this:

"This is a nice place"...both nodding heads.
"Do you think they're ok?"....both nodding heads.
"Should we call them?....
"No they both have kids. EGB is probably in better hands now than with us."...
"You're right. Should we run away to Mexico?"
"Probably not. It's too hot in the summer."
"Do you think they're ok?"...both nodding heads
"Should we call them?"....
Dinner comes. Eat dinner really fast. Heartburn sets in.
"Do you think they're ok"...both nodding heads
"Should we call them?"....
It went in this cycle for another 30 minutes. We decided not to run away to Mexico and went home to find a wild party going on.

Thanks to the babysitters and they can come over whenever they want. By the way, we want to know if they're available for the entire month of December and January. We heard Florida is nice at that time of year......

Yeah. Babysitter Molly is crazy! I just need some warm milk...maybe a blanket. I'm not askin for much. None of this loud music is necessary. Hey you! Get off of my binkie! Moooooom...Daaaad...where are youuuuu!This picture is of importance because it was the last time that this binky was seen. In my previous post, I dedicated a moment of silence to lost binkies....now we all must include this orange hospital grade baby silencer extraordinaire in our next moment of silence. RIP. I'd put up a reward, but I don't want to know the nasty places it's been. Be well old binky...you did well. Now EGB won't sleep without you. Hope you're having a blast wherever you are. Thanks. Thanks a ton. Thanks a lot you stupid binky! Now we've got to go to Babies R Not Us and try out one of the 50,000 binkies until she finds one that meets the terms of her contract. There goes the weekend. I hope you melt.EGB on our friend Meg's skirt. Or is it a rug? Or....is Meg wearing our rug? I've heard they wear rugs in Eastern Russia. Warm-yes. Comfortable-I wouldn't know. But I don't think Meg is Russian.
I'm just going to sleep in the "ready to be hugged" position just in case someone is ready to do some huggin. I'm ready for a hug.
Dang. Gotta take a bath in a sink? I thought I was Queen of this house. Shouldn't I get a jacuzzi or something? Well....wash my back, at least. I think I just peed. Ha.

Ohio Peoples!

EGB had a blast meeting her Ohio Grandparents and Aunt Rebecca who is ready to pop out a male cousin/nephew. The visit was too short as always and EGB has been itching to get back already.

Introducing.....
Grammie aka Nana
EGB was loving the attention from Aunt Rebecca.
Gramps! aka Poppa.

EGB at Her First Wedding...

Actually there were lots of "firsts" over the past week. First plane, first hotel, first rehearsal dinner, first trip to a bar, first time in Chicago, first time in Ohio, first time meeting some family members, first time in DC, first dirty diaper in a hotel in DC, first time in a stroller on a cobblestone street at 11PM in Georgetown...I could do this all day, but I'll spare you the agonizing list and get to the wedding breakdown.

A successful wedding is a fluent orchestra of timed events and celebrations. A successful day with EGB is not running out of diapers or butt paste and managing to put on a onesie without severing an ear or dislocating a shoulder. As one can see...a successful wedding is on another planet from a successful day with a newborn.

That having been said, I believe that I was most successful in losing every drink that was ordered. Over the course of the night I ordered about 100 beers. It went like this--The drink was ordered. A sip was taken. Baby cries, farts, or tries to run away. Drink is placed down. Drink disappears. This cycle happened approximately 100 times. So I had about 100 sips of beer in 8 hours which amounts to a really inefficient way to drink 1 beer. I apologize to all those beers for not being a better companion, but there was a baby to tend to.

In all seriousness, EGB wants to say thank you to her beautiful Aunt Allie and handsome Uncle Andrew for hosting a wonderful wedding to cry at. She cried many tears of joy and can't wait to grow up with them and her cousin(s) to be. She's sorry if she cried at the wrong time during the ceremony, but it was her first wedding so she wasn't sure of the protocol.

Here's EGB trying to get a drink at the bar at the rehearsal dinner. I think she tried to flash her binky for some VIP treatment, but the bartender didn't seem to notice her. No respect. I told her she needs to learn how to walk first, but you know how kids are.

Papa tired. EGB thinks it's funny. Ha ha. It ain't funny.

Wedding night. Oh my what to wear? Soooo many choices. Is it going to be that green tie dye onsie? The pink sleeveless onsie? A towel? What diaper should I wear? The white ones in size N or size 1? I think this halter dress is going to be stunning. Eat your heart out baby Suri Cruise you ain't got nothin on my style.

Who wore it better?

Jolie-Twins? 0%

EGB? 100%

Just chilling on the grass waiting for the ceremony to start. Should I cry now or later? I think I'll just do both to be safe.

A rare picture without EGB. Notice the glazed over looks in our eyes that says, "I know you got more sleep than me last night. I'd fight a Russian Army with a spork to obtain 4 hours of straight sleep." I know you know that look.

The ceremony on a grass rooftop. I've been thinking about growing some grass on my roof. Now that I think of it--that'd be a good name for a male hair replacement product, "Grass Roof--It's time to grow some grass up there."

They all love me. I'm a star. I'm the show. They can't get enough of me. Wait a second...now why am I strapped into a car seat at a wedding like a mental patient?

The bride. The mom. The baby. Looks like the baby is going for the keg of milk tap there. A horizontal keg stand of sorts.

All this partying is tough. Not sure how Paris Hilton does it. I'm out. See you at the next wedding.

The Diva

I don't know what got into this child on our trip to DC. Maybe it was the White House. Maybe it was her concerns about the illegal US occupation in Iraq. Maybe it was milk water. Maybe it was the article she read about J-Lo. EGB got her diva-ness and protest on in DC.

I only roll with my Gucci cherry frame shades on when I'm travelling. Pink polyester wraps are hot.

I wear my sunglasses in my hotel room to keep the paparazzi out. I put my hotel room under my alias EG-Z. It's worked so far. I don't think they're on to me.
You know how I do it. Got to keep that milk fresh on ice. Milk on the rocks served warm. Stirred not shaken. Babies don't shake.

I demand a Queen sized bed fit for a Queen. Queen of the little people. Champion of the people--EGB for Queen!
Figured I'm in DC. Gonna do some protesting. Raise some hell at the White House! Free Suri Cruise from Scientology! Bring the milk tax down! Keep daycare weird! Bush ain't my President! Fight the Power! Run here come the cops!!!!!
Dang, they got me. Now I'm all locked up in this aluminum cell doing some hard time. Guard! Can I get a phone call?

Come People Gather Round...

Still working out the vacation posts.

In the meantime, check out this EGB pose.

"Hey! Somebody gonna get me out of this jail cell, or what?!"

We're Back From EGB's USA Tour

We made it. We smuggled breastmilk across this great land and showed the wild world what EGB is made of.

We figured out she's a performance artist. When out in public, she sleeps, coos, smiles, knits, cooks, cleans, and fights off robbers. When with mom and dad in private, she barks, growls, howls, spits, farts, burps, and demands 40 ounces of milk on the hour.

The good news--most of our traveling fears were unwarranted. But there are stories...soon coming.

The bad news--EGB broke some hearts on tour.

EGB Tour Stats:
Diapers destroyed: 345,021
Miles in the air: 16,342
Miles by stroller: 13
Hours of hard time done in the crib: 68
Total hours slept: 98
Weddings attended: 1
Minutes crying during wedding ceremony: 8
Minutes sleeping in closet at the wedding by the dance floor: 0
Kisses from old ladies: 793
Boys kissed: It better be 0

Yes, I made it. And have yet to catch any flesh-eating viruses from the airplane.
Dang. Now, I'm dog tired. Or I'm Popeye. Or, "Arrrrh! Gimme some milkshakes or I'll bite you with my gums."

Gone travellin'

We're off to take a big bird across the country to Aunt Allie and soon-to-be Uncle Andrew's wedding in DC....and then to Ohio to meet some grandparents! Will try to post from the road, but if not, the full report will be available next weekend....

How will EGB react to the plane trips? How will EGB behave at her first wedding? What will her reaction be to meeting her Ohio grandparents for the first time? Will she barf on a stranger? Will she pee at the White House?

Stay tuned.


Bling Bling.......Ellie's got a bag of ice on her hand.

July 4th Throwdown

July 4th was an opportunity for us to test the waters in public. Anyone with a newborn knows the underlying fear that exists when leaving the house with a milk addict. "Will she cry like baboon in the checkout line?" Will the people around me think that I stole this baby from the parking lot? Will people think I've caused this baby to freak out based on some parenting memo that I somehow skipped my desk? Will I run out of diapers? Will someone with a flesh-eating virus or bird flu get near my baby?"

All fear aside. July 4th went off swell. EGB slept the whole time. So she really doesn't get the concept of a party yet. I'm sure in time she'll figure out how to get her party on and I'll be grounding her for eternity.

Bud blanket is how I roll on the 4th.

A little Cornhole game action under the shady tree at Wash Park. Thanks to my co-worker/friend Matt E's family for hosting us. Mr. E has a decent cornhole game for a Floridian.

Matt exhibiting textbook cornhole toss. Drink in one hand--toss extension with the other.

Dairy Queen in all her glory.

Where's EGB? Holding EGB and pretending to work the grill. Someone else was working the grill for a change...

The Most Exciting Video Of The Century!!

Grab some popcorn it's a video.

It's wild. It's crazy. It's insane newborn behaviour. It's nap time.

Otis The Cat's New Demands.

There's a crisis on the home front. The activity center which has provided EGB with numerous hours of entertainment has been held hostage by our once friendly cat, Otis. Through an interpreter (we don't speak cat) it has been made clear that certain demands are to be met or the activity center may end up in a lake with cement toys attached.

The Demands:

- EGB, the baby, goes. (Not happening)
- Calvin, the dog, goes. (Not happening either)
- Raw fish nightly. (Nope)
- Warm milk each meal. (Nein, all milked out from EGB)
- Plastic surgery to fix his snaggle-tooth. (Again, nada)

Then I realized that I'm the superior being and this feline should be no match for me. I mustered up the courage, slowly crept towards the activity center, tossed the interpreter, and carefully lifted the dangerous kitty from the mat. Crisis averted! No need to call in the Feds. I'm a hero to EGB.
"I ain't movin'. I'm holdin this turtle and boppy hostage."

Baby upset. Baby Not Upset. Here's How It Happens.

This is the way it went down. Order of events as follows:

First, put EGB in what is called "The Extravagant Love Swing". After further review, there is nothing "extravagant" about this half-toga contraption that would be better suited for a frat party circa 1989. Nor, does EGB come close to being in "love" with this towel wrapper as you can see from the picture. However, I felt very earthy and very connected to my ancestors in Papua New Guinea.

After being freed from "love sling" captivity, EGB sits stunned and follows the directions on her shirt. A call to grandma is in order. "Someone take me to a payphone and get me some ice cream too."
Call is done. Blizzards from the Dairy Queen are had. All smiles. All is well in the EGB kingdom........for at least 30 seconds.

Tummy Time Training

I know that all parents think their children are extra special. Which is code for, "My kid has somehow transcended the evolutionary timeline of the millions of years it takes to see noticeable changes in the human race and can perform Jedi mind tricks that no other child in the universe is capable of at 4 weeks of life." This reminds me of baby Lakshmi from India who was born with eight limbs and was worshipped as a deity by the whole village. True story--the article is here. Maybe 8 limbs is an evolutionary advantage. I guess it would be if you wanted to eat 8 hamburgers at once or if you were a strawberry picker.

Another example is EGB. No, she doesn't have any worship-worthy extra limbs, but the fact that The Dairy Queen swears that EGB could roll over at the age of one week and fears that she'll be able to hop out of the crib at 5 weeks--helps makes the point. By the time EGB is one, I'm sure we'll think that she'll be ready for a ninja apprenticeship (my hope) and be able to change her own diapers (both of our hopes).

But before we can reach such heights, we need to work on the basics. Tummy work. See EGB work it out below. I think she did a full rep of 10 push-ups. Tomorrow we're going to do some speed work on the track to build up her stamina. She'll be coming at you like a spider monkey in no time.

Ah, Push-it! The Hulk ain't got nothin on me.


ARRRRRRRRHHHHH!
I'm pooped. No, wait...I pooped. Diaper!

Weekend Mixed Pics.

Showing off my new dress. Thanks Matt E. If only I could get some hair on my dome and then I'd look like real girl.

Just lounging. Watchin some sports. Maybe read a book. "Come my jungle friends, Calvin, Otis...gather around, I'll read a story"

"What? Oh...the googly-eyes? It's a party trick I learned in college." (And for those that have legitimate concerns about EGB's cross-eyed picture--the doctor says it's normal and it's because lil' ones can't focus too well. Ain't that the truth.)
Walking in the park with the new hand-knitted blanket from Jaden. Thanks J-Knitter!

Walks=naps=happiness=more walks.
Took a bath. Now I'm drooling.
Stopped drooling. Now I look like the Flying Nun.