Sorry I Haven't Written.....

...but neither has Einstein. Speaking of, Time magazine just put out an article about the science behind the "sorry I haven't written" phenomena. According to the author there are universal laws of mathematics at work to explain why there hasn't been a blog entry since October 13th. That's 17 dog years. So if you're a dog and you read this blog--first of all, I'm super impressed that you're a reading dog. My dog licks his toes and eats crayons. Second of all, I'm sorry that you've waited "years" for this.....days must be reaaalllly long for dogs. No wonder you're always hungry.

Anyway, I read the article 8 times and still have no idea what he's talking about. It's typical of these nuclear astro-thermal molecular physicist--they tell you what they're doing is important, put some words together that you don't understand, and then you nod your head and pretend to agree. I just think he's wasting his time on this one. I mean, damn, people get busy. Sorry I haven't written....that means you too mom. The 919 unread emails will be responded to shortly after EGB turns 30.

It is important to note that I searched this blog to see if I've ever been "sorry" before (insert cheap shot joke here). 7 times. Most references were from EGB in her apologies for slapping around a cat or spitting on an old lady....one time I said, "sorry for the delay". You know what? I'm not sorry. It's all mathematics and you're unfortunately not smart enough to understand.

On that note, The Dairy Queen aka Head Commissioner of The Family Planning Committee has commented that I over-reference aliens in my writings. Only 4 times. So there. I'm more "sorry" than I am committed to "aliens". However, I have referenced "wizards" 7 times, "ninjas" 5 times, and "invisibility cloaks" 1 time.....I will admit that I'm committed to the supernatural. What can I say? I just happen to think winjas (when wizards and ninjas mate) and space shifters make the office life more interesting.

Back to the matter at hand. The EGB. The Legend. The Milk Advocate. The Cheeks that store U.S. strategic petroleum reserves.....What? Wait. Hold on--I've got to take this call from Obama.

I'm back. That was a close one. We almost had to send The Cheeks to Washington to release some oil. For now she's safe with us and ready to blow up like MJ in 1983 at when he did that dance that made grown women violently shake each other and prisoners wear sequined gloves. She, like he...is ....the....best. He will be missed. EGB is ready to party.

So much to share. Lots of things have happened. I just forgot them all. So I'll start with Halloween and in hopes that The Dairy Queen is less drunk on Kit Kats and Schedule 1 Candy Corn to remember what has happened over the past month.

Halloween began with the typical debate between EGB and her unappreciated and overworked spiritual guides aka The Captors.

"What do you want to be for Halloween?"

"Either Francisco Vaquez de Coronado the Conquistador or a Fairy"

"Huh? A Conquistador? Is that a drink?"

"No. They are 16th century Spanish explorers that searched for the Seven Cities of Gold in the New World."

"Oh. But they were really mean to the natives."

"That sucks. I must have not gotten to that part yet. I'm only on chapter two. I'm a friend to all. I'll be a fairy. Do you have any conscientious objections to fairies?"

"No. You can be a fairy."

"Great. I'll be a fairy. Thank you for your help. I'm going to go to my room to finish writing my symphony."

We were quite happy about this choice. Researching Conquistadors sounded exhausting and would be relatively difficult to explain to the trick-or-treat neighbors. Also, she looks more like an angelic troll with wings than an old Spanish explorer. It's a much easier production.

[It helps for effect if you read this next section aloud in the likeness of a boxing ring announcer. Loud! and exaggerated]

Without further ado please allow for us to introduce The Colorado Fairy--The winged mischievous species separate from humans and angels. A friend to natives and animals alike. A beacon of fashion in the fairy world (note the glitter slippers featured in Vogue). The greatest milk imbiber of all the centuries combined. The moment you've all been waiting for!!!!!! Theeeeeeeee EEEEEEE, GGGGGGG, BBBBBBBB !!!!!!!!!:

Gotta fuel up. Must drink milk before stealing candy from old people.

You were right. Being a benevolent fairy is much more fun than a big ol mean Conquistador. I will request candy in hopes of it being gifted to me.....I will not rob the unharmed.

Me and the captors. Dude, they are so embarrassing. I mean look at my dad. He picked me up at school in that outfit. While the teachers were calling Social Services, I was attempting to crawl my way to China in the sandbox. Or at least hide. Do any normal parents want me? I'm down for a trade...preferably somewhere warm and on the beach. I want to rock my bikini. (Side note--Holiday card?)

This is me and my lil homie Ben. We came up together. I've known him since we were in diapers. I like him and the way he eats candy. (Papa D here--Since EGB is not allowed to date until she's 80, her "liking" of Ben is troublesome. I had a nice talk with him and he seems like a fine respectable young man. I'll be monitoring the situation closely like a Secret Service agent in Cold War USSR.)

What did my dad say to you?!! Our relationship is cooling off. Thanks Papa D! You ruined it!!!!!! (Papa D here--I'm sorry, but I did it for all the dads of daughters out there. The score: 1-0, dads).

Seriously. What's in those cheeks? Is it really petroleum? Candy? Jello? Ham? You do smell a little hammy. I'm just sayin'.