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Friday, September 24, 2010

Language, Bagels, Divas, and Jams

EGB: I throwed up

Me: Huh! What!?? Where did you throw up?

EGB: My hair.

Me: Huh?

EGB:  My hair throwed up in my ear.

Me:  Really?

EGB: Yip.  (translation=Yup).

Me: Oh.  That's weird.

EGB: Yip.

And then she gazed out the car window, proud of her language accomplishment.  Words go together like tossed salad these days.  As if she has this database of words that some neurological selector picks out at random.  Like the brain just says, "Oooooh.  You haven't said the word "poopie" or ""tree" in a while so let's say them now."  Poopie tree.

I'm guessing that's how the process works.  The brain makes decisions regardless of whether it makes sense or not.  That explains a lot about humanity.

EGB has been working on her music these days.  She has this steady rotation of hits that usually ends up in a two song set before she retires to the backstage where she drinks only organic bottled milk from happy cows that have a view of the ocean.  There is always a dozen bagels back there and a bucket of cream cheese.  Some times she demands toast. The "Twinkle Twinkle", "Itsy Bitsy", "ABCs", "Row Row", and parts of some others are pretty much her set list.  Over and over.  (By the way, has no one been creative enough to come up with some new hits over the past 500 years?  I mean, a new song to be added to the cannon, sprinkled in from time to time wouldn't be too much to ask for, right?  I think whole twinkling little star thing isn't a half bad idea, but the star just doesn't twinkle anymore.  It's old as hell.)

Back to bagels and divas.  This is relatively a  true depiction of the situation as every meal these days is pretty much a demand for a bagel and milk.  You know that switch in your brain that tells you when you are full?  That switch for EGB gets turned off if there are bagels within her 3 mile bagel-radar......Bagel-Dar.  She's going to work on developing a Bageldar to mass produce for 2 year old bagel addicts around the world.  She's already got the slogan down, "Get your Bageldarrrrrr, so you know where the bagels arrrrrrre." Bagel makers around the world rejoice in her presence.  However, those hosting the Sunday brunch bagel spread at the Schwartz's house get a bit nervous about their supply when the rabid EGB walks in with foam on her lips.

Anyway, EBG is straight up diva.  Forget what you heard about J-Lo's new contract on American Idol. (By the way--damn, she and that show just wont go away.  And Steven Tyler? Really? Dude, straight jumped the shark on that one. I'm not watching.)  The Diva lives here amongst us people.  No joke.  She demands things, but once you hear the sweet siren song emanating from her bagel infested teeth your troubles will flow far away.

Watch this video.....from July.  July? I know, still catching up.  Always.  True story--I forgot our wedding anniversary last week.  Before you start thinking of the hell fury that must have rained on my world as a result, there is good news.  She forgot too.  I guess we're too busy loving each other every second of the day and night to notice these seemingly transparent occasions.  (Good save, huh?)  And mom, thanks for reminding me.  I guess I should open your emails more timely.

To the video.  Pay special attention to the powerful introduction.  EGB demands attention.

I guess she's pretty good and worth her contract.  Now be quiet.

Gotta get your quick fix EGB pic too.

I believe that's some bagel stuff in the teeth.  Or maybe gold.  Happy Friday.

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