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Friday, September 25, 2009

Cracking the Wiper Caper Case

Here's a wild Friday tale for those that love a good mystery. Please stay tuned for this edition of Master-Diaper Theater, "Who Stole The Damn Wipes?".

It was a hot summer day. The type of sweltering day that a baby takes her diaper off and puts it on her head to suck up the copious amounts of milk-sweat. A day to cruise in the stroller with the top down. Most importantly, a perfect day for cracking a mystery.

About 10:00 came around and time for the dirty diaper change-up. Papa D, entered the sweaty chamber of diaper stank to do the duty (doodie). Then the diaper came off and everyone in the neighborhood collectively said, "What's that smell? Mama been cookin' again?". Papa D reached over for the wipes as he had done 600,000,000 times before, but this time it was different.

"Knock!" was the sound of Papa D's outstretched hand hitting the wooden tray on the changing table where a box of wipes has always been. He walks over to the cabinet to where there is an infinite supply of diapers and wipes (that are always replenished by the diaper/wipe fairy aka Dairy Queen--a public thank you). To no avail.

"Ohhhhh Noooooooo!!!!!! Holy liquid smokes! Someone came into the house stole all the wipes and put our name on the diaper/wipe fairy's do-not-deliver list. This is a travesty. An outrage. A blight on humankind. What's a Papa to do now?!?!?"

Then out of nowhere, dirty-bottomed EGB vaporized into the changing table and a very similar looking detective flew in through air duct. "Have no fear! Detective EGB is here!" squealed the 20" detective. Papa D had to admit he was relieved but at the same time concerned with what the Dairy Queen would say when she came home to the original EGB vaporized and possibly transformed into the worlds shortest detective. He had a hunch that after the initial shock wore off, the Dairy Queen would be happy at the EGB's chosen profession at such a young age.


"We will capture the wipe caper and banish him to a life of diaper duty," said Detective EGB.

"All right. Whatever you say. You're the detective. Let's roll......." said Papa D.

"Ok, but first I must get my inspector glasses and invisibility cloak."

"You have an invisibility cloak?"


"Cool. Can I borrow it next time the Dairy Queen is looking for me to change EGB's diaper during a football game?"

"I'm telling her you said that."

"Please don't. I was kidding."

"Ok. I got your back Papa D."

High fives all

Detective EGB reporting for duty. These glasses make my forehead look small. That's ok because unlike other humans I have most of my brain in my cheeks. There have been reports in the neighborhood of the wipe caper looking like a crazed piano playing wolfman. We called in the experts to recreate what the wipe caper looks he is. He's kinda cute.
Next we go to the neighbor, Mrs. Busybody, to ask what she saw. Everyone knows that witnesses are key to cracking the case. Mrs. Busybody said she didn't see any wild haired wolfman around our house, but that she saw that Ron, a few houses down had fried chicken for dinner and a new girlfriend. You can always count on Mrs. Busybody for some good info, but this time she was no help in cracking the case. However, she sure has some crazy hair and like the wolfman, is also kinda cute.
Next, we went to park to see if we could track down any other witnesses. We came across this blond bombshell. She refused to give us her name, but said that she saw a wolfie looking dude in our basement. We were so excited about the tip that we forgot to ask her what she was doing in our basement.......I guess somethings are better left unknown.

We ran down to the basement and sure enough....the wolfman was on the couch.

Gotcha! You cold-blooded wipe caper! Do you know the kind of unsanitary conditions you caused by capering the wipes?!?! You are in soooo much trouble--even though you also are kinda cute.

And that was how the wiper caper case was cracked. And--POOF. EGB un-vaporized herself and turned up on the changing table all wiped up and clean. Phew. That was a close one. If anyone sees the Great Detective EGB be sure to thank him....I never got the chance to.

Don't mess with us or you'll get spanked.

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