Burgers For Halloween

Ahhh. What difference a year makes.  If you click here  you'll see the Great EGB in her Halloween glory from 12 months ago.  She was a Colorado Fairy.  Which basically translates to a sweat suit with aluminum foil wings.

This year she's 2-years-old. Which basically means we as parents can still make EGB be whatever we want her to be.  After going through the normal rounds of little girl options....princess, cheerleader, super woman.  We put EGB down for her nap with the idea that she'd be a cheerleader upon her awakening.  The reality was that this outfit consisted of old ribbons, stained shirts, and some other kid's skirt.  I wanted more.  I wanted EGB to be proud of her costume.  See how this works?  2-year-olds couldn't actually care less, but we as parents project our wants and desires on our kids thus stressing the hell out of them.  I could have put a garbage bag on her and EGB would have thought that was the craziest thing ever.  But I'm not really into garbage bags on kids.

So I got on the hunt during EGB's nap.  After some unsuccessful attempts at the grocery store, Walgreens, and the thrift store, the costume was found at Old Navy about 30 minutes before EGB was due to hit the streets in pursuit of candy. It was the awesomest costume I'd ever seen, but I knew it wasn't going to be an instant sell.  EGB likes sparkle and pink.  This was a fleece brown cheeseburger costume.  If you're hungry--it's the best looking thing you've ever seen.  Lettuce, cheese, sesame bun--the whole thing. But if you've just woken up from your nap thinking you were going to get to be this awesome cheerleader, but now are going to be a cheeseburger--it sucks.  We shoved it in her face upon her awakening and she looked at me like, "Papa.  You crazy old fart.  Shoo.  If you think I'm wearing that then you better install a chocolate milk keg in my room."

After a couple of bribes with the lure of candy and some over the top parenting lies, "ISN'T THIS THE COOOOLEST THING YOU'VE EVER SEEN?  IT'S A CHEESEBURGER! IT'S SOOO COOL." EGB buckled. Plus the sesame bun on her belly was like one of those sumo fat suits and sweet for doing belly flops from the couch to the floor.

So she spent her 2nd Halloween as a cheeseburger amongst the witches, football players, cheerleaders, and turtles. The other kids loved her.  The adults thought she was uniquely cute.  You know that sort of indirect judgement that occurs between parents?

"Ohhh.  What a cute cheeseburger!" said parent to EGB.

All the while the parent is giving me the stank eye that really meant, "A cheeseburger?  You made your adorable little daughter a burger?  A steamy burger?  With lettuce and cheese?  For real? That ain't right.  I'm about to call child services on you. She should be something more girly.  More out there in the realm of fairy world stuff.  There is a cannon for this, you know?  A rite of passage of sorts for little girls. A cheerleader would have been much better."  Then would proceed to give EGB extra candy as an act of sympathy.  EGB would then slyly look to me and wink her eye.  We were in on this one together.

As a parent of a 2-year-old trick-or-treater there is this weird element in which the candy-giver to your child somehow indirectly becomes your own personal candy dealer.  The candy-giver and I both know that this little 2-year-old isn't going to crush all the candy.  In fact, EGB isn't going to eat much of it at all.  Therefore, my little cheeseburger is doing some dirty work to round up the neighborhood candy for me.  It made me feel a little dirty.  Like in the 80s when I'd hear the stories of little 5-year-olds running crack rock for the dealers.  But after a few glimpses at the shiny candy wrappers, I got over it. So EGB and I were essentially running a little street operation to round up as much candy as possible for me.  Once I realized what was really in it for me Halloween became a lot more fun.  EGB got tired quickly, but I pumped her up with some hard candies and straight sugar hits until we filled up her pumpkin basket.  We ran until the wee hours of the morning and shut the neighborhood down.

It went like this--EGB would walk up to the door and the candy-giver would hold out the basket of goods.  EGB would hold her hand over different candies until she was given the go ahead signal from me.  Much like a baseball pitcher and catcher except instead of curveballs vs. fastballs it was Tootsie Rolls vs. Butterfingers.  She made a few errors like picking up the plastic spider ring and pretzels, but she redeemed herself with a pickup of a full sized Hershey bar and extra Reece's Cups.  We make a good team and are planning to knock off a few banks around the holidays.

At the end of it all,  I was proud of EGB's commitment to the burger.  It takes a special child to be a burger.  She owned it.  And the dogs wanted to lick her.

Maybe years from now EGB will look at us parents and wonder why we let her be a burger for Halloween.  I hope she won't be too mad.  We did it for her so she knows what it's like to walk the earth as a burger.  Not many of us do.  It's a true test of character.  And she also did it for us.  A soldier of our street hustle. She scored as much candy as possible.  I think in this one everyone wins.  Stay tuned for next year when EGB will be a bowl of guacamole.

Got some videos here for you (view on the blog here):
What?  You've never seen a running cheeseburger?  Gotta keep them moving to earn their keep.  Go get those Reeces!!

It is not full to the top.  Better keep moving kid.  Work the streets you little burger.

Dang. Papa D.  You an old guy?  Where's your costume?

This is my little homie Ben.  He was a train. I'm a burger.  We're kindred spirits. 

Working hard for Daddy.  Boo.  Give me extra candy.

Got some pickles?

Will hustle for cookies.