My sister, aka Auntie Rebecca Rebel Reb, one of the great researchers of our time, sent me an amazing news story that sent me on an Internet wave. It's true, she's up there with Steven Hawking and....and.....well, that's about the extent of my researcher knowledge. I'm not sure what Mr. Hawking researches other than I think he's trying to find the end of the universe with a pencil. Auntie RRR has a similar goal to find the end of the Internet via her laptop. Last I heard she only has 5 billion pages to go. If you need to find anything about anything--go to Auntie RRR, knock on the door twice, flash your lights once, and tell her Large Marge sent you. Rebecca's Tips will answer.
Mark my words. Soon you won't Google anything. You'll just "Rebecca" it.
Back to the matter at hand. Jewish Pirates. Jamaican Jewish Reggae Pirates. I woke up feeling a bit down, dreary, and sluggish. Then the email came. Like a golden plate of perfectly cooked barbecue after a few beers on a Saturday evening with the sunset casting over the day. Subject heading--"Jewish Pirates". I clicked the article link (
click here if you want to see for yourself). The title popped up--"Jamaica's New Tourism Spiel: Beaches and Reggae and Jews. For those of you that know a bit of my history know that I did some time on the radio in Vermont as a DJ for a reggae show. So, naturally, I thought Researcher Rebecca had found an article in the Wall Street Journal about me. I mean I was a Jewish reggae pirate near a beach. A Vermont lake beach, but a beach nonetheless. I dove a little further into the article and realized that it wasn't directly about me. However, I learned a thing or two.
"Jamaica....was once home to a Jewish pirate named Moses.." Now things are starting to make sense. I always wondered how he did all that stuff with the Red Sea. Parting it. Leading people across it and all. He was a pirate. I guess pirates can do that sort of thing.
So I started looking into other Jewish Pirates. A few of my friends could possibly fit the bill. But they're more like metaphorical pirates. You know the kind--crack their teeth on liquor bottles at parties, attempt to kick ceilings, yell at kids at baseball games, take their shirts off at the wrong time.....generally, the type that should be forced to wear a helmet after midnight. They have day jobs. I know those pirates. I'm looking for real Jewish Pirates. The kind that would take down a whole bottle of Manischewitz in one slug when the water supply is scarce. The type that turns matzoh balls into grenades. The kind that could take a Bar Mitzvah party and the hired magician down with a chocolate fountain. I researched and researched. I found only 2 more in the world. Total=3 real Jewish Pirates in history.
Exhibit 1:
Steve Lieberman, The Gangsta Rabbi. He plays a flute and
sells albums here on Amazon.com. He must be a feared and considered dangerous. My fight or flight response kicked in immediately upon viewing his picture. My ears bled when listening to his songs. He's lethal and will eat your children. If seen and he plays his flute--you have 15 minutes before your entire village is wiped out.
Exhibit 2:
This one was not surprising once I located her. She was right under my nose the entire time. EGB. She's young and new on the pirate scene, but making her mark quickly. She drinks milk all day long. Cows fear her. Diapers fear her. She'll hit you below the belt. She bathes in a wooden boat. She's our pirate. If you see her anywhere without her parents--you have 15 minutes before your brain will be vaporized by her crayons (and tell her to get her diaper butt home before dark).
