Diaper Wipe Cartel

The Dairy Queen and I went to Costco to get some supplies--240 loaves of bread, a lifetime supply of apples, a tub of Twizzlers, 1,400 frozen party quiches, and some diaper wipes. We got a case of 8 packs of 88 natural baby booty wipers. The math: 8x88=enough wipes to tie together and pull a Spaniard across the Atlantic Ocean. Or enough wipes to satisfy EGB for approximately 24 hours.

When unloading the goods. It looked like one of those pictures of from the DEA in which they stopped a record amount of drugs from coming across the border. I don't work for the DEA--I represent the vigilante Diaper Wipe Cartel of West-Central Colorado. We're just trying to stop diaper rash from spreading on the streets and prevent doody from getting on the sheets. Our motto is, "Wipe Front To Back Or There's Gonna Be Trouble". Keep it real.

Happy 1 Month Birthday EGB! Big Announcement!

This past Saturday at 4:25 AM we celebrated EGB's 1 month appearance on Planet Earth. I mention "Earth" because she has expressed her association with interplanetary species. Typically, when someone brings up the topic of their relationships to life forms on other planets, I'll ask if they know Tom Cruise. If they don't know him, I'll suggest that they should meet and walk in the other direction. If they do know him, I'll say nothing else and walk in the other direction. Fast.

Now, since this is my daughter we're talking about and I don't have the heart to walk away from her in her time of milky needs, I engaged her in the conversation. It went something like this-

"Soooooo.., Ellie....You are telling me you're from another planet?"

"Yes, Papa D. It's an amazing place where it rains milk and bears ride skateboards."

"Ummm. Ok. So are you really my daughter or were you sent here to single-handely destroy every diaper known to man?"

"Silly Papa D. Of course you're my daddy. I found you and mom on Craigslist and got a good deal on you both. Now take me to your leader!"

That's a relief. She's our daughter. However, I don't remember putting the ad up on Craigslist stating that we were willing to parent an alien, but weird things do happen with lack of sleep.

So I did what any father would do when told that his daughter is from another planet. Take video footage.

Mixed Pics

Whatchu lookin at foo'? If I could walk I'd walk at you.
EGB bialy.

Our new babysitter, Ariya. Hard to find good help these days. Thanks to our friends Ryan and Sheila for letting their almost 3 year old baby sit for free.



Roll on the left side to pass gas.

Sweet dreams little gangster.

The Tarzan Swing Gets Returned!

Please refer to the June 18th entry in which I referred to the battery-powered Tarzan swing as a miracle problem solver. I take that back. That was not the truth. In fact, I think whomever designed the swing actually hates me and was trying to punish me for all those bad things I did when I was a kid. The more the chair's features were utilized to "relax" EGB the more she roared. At one point, I believe she yelled, "THIS CHAIR IS TERRIBLE!!!!! TURN OFF THE STUPID ELEVATOR MUSIC!! I'D PREFER 5,000 PAPER CUTS!!!! NOW I GOT A DIAPER WEDGIEEEEEE!!" Or something like that.

So who is this swing for? It's for parents that wish to induce colic in their newborns. If this is you, then this swing is right up your alley. That should be the slogan of this product, "Tarzan Swing Chair-Why Be Happy? Induce Colic in Your Newborn." or "Tarzan Swing Chair--Pay Us Money and We Guarantee Your Newborn Will Never Sleep". I spent all weekend trying to think of an enemy that was having a child so that I could send them this chair as a "gift". There was no one that I would wish this swing on.

I've been thinking of ways to exact my revenge upon the swing creators. I thought about going to Taiwan and throwing diapers at the swing-creator's house at 3AM, but I've heard they don't tolerate that kind of business there. And I'm not about to end up in a foreign prison over some chair.

So we just boxed up the swing, which of course doesn't even come close to fitting back into the box because it was originally packed by a rocket scientist. Loaded up the family wagon and took the happy family on our daily pilgrimage to the Babies-R-Milk-Addicts store to see if they'll accept the torture swing in exchange for anything.

They better take this swing back or I'm going to protest at the Democratic National Convention. The Dairy Queen first gracefully gained the cashier's trust . Then went for the kill and returned the swing with flying colors! Now, the lady in the picture on left glaring at me--SHE looks like she may be real trouble.
EGB oblivious to the chaos, but remarkably happier now that the swing has been eradicated. Another mission accomplished by Papa Dangerous and his side-kick, Dairy Queen.

Side note: On the way in the store I saw this lost pacifier in the parking lot. At first, I thought it was funny. Then I realized that it was sad as it couldn't have been the only lost pacifier. Therefore, please join me for a moment of silence in remembrance of all the lost pacifiers that have lost their companions. More importantly, let us hope that the parents of these companions didn't have a trip home from hell because their baby's binky was in a Babies R Us parking lot getting run over by minivans, instead of their child's mouth doing it's work.

Nursing in the park..

Anyone with a kid knows this story:

You're out. Baby's hungry. It's hot out. Baby is crying in car seat. Dad is sweating. Mom is inside running errand. Dad finds shady spot next to a tree to park car. Mom takes longer than expected. Dad turns the radio up. Baby cries a primal scream. Dad turns radio down. Dad changes diaper in back of car. Cop pulls up. Dad sweats some more. Dad thinks about bad things he did when he was a kid. Cop says car can't be parked in no-parking zone. Dad cries and avoids ticket. Mom comes to rescue. Feed baby in the park. Mission accomplished.

"Gimme dat milk or I'll doo-doo"
"Dang, this park is bright. I need some shades up in here."
"Gimme your cellphone. I'm gonna call the Dairy Queen for a triple-whole-milk-latte"

"Thank you for visiting my crib...now you gots to leave. Milk coma-out"

EGB Hiccup Jam

This video is EGB rendition of Fantasia's "When I See U". I'm pretty sure that this video is Grammy worthy....feel free to sing along.

Press the play button to see the video.